Sunday, January 9, 2005

Sweet Release

Soundtrack: Bryan Ferry / Love Is The Drug

I've been having a conversation with an inconceivably sexy fucking girl today about sex in public places. This lead to us getting all hot and steamy and having to run out of the beer garden at The Retreat and straight into the toilets to fuck. I love those moments, I need you NOW. Right the fuck now. I need to be inside you NOW. All I can think about is you, your heat, your smell...

Unfortunately, the smell of urine and listening to the person in the cubicle next to you have THE LONGEST PISS EVER IN THE HISTORY OF PISSING, isn't conducive to creating the sort of atmosphere you require for a secretive, slightly public tryst. It is however exactly the sort of place you need to be if you feel like rolling around on the ground in hysterics trying not to make a sound as you snot laughter and slap your partner in the face with your raging erection as she too is on her knees for all the wrong reasons just waiting to let that beautiful fucking high pitched shreeky giggle loose.

Anyways, got me thinking whilst I'm drinking. Thinking of all the strange places I have made the dirty love, and there are a lot as I am a walking raging libido. All this talking and bonding and connecting as real people with real feelings is for chumps. Let's make with the big fuck and collapse in a heap then do it all over again. All the time. Ok? Great. Actually, we should also eat amazing food as often as possible, but only to keep our strength up for all the naughty. Still in? Great! I think you and I are going to get along just fine. Now shut up and suck my cock. Woohoo!


My probably not definitive as my memory is fucked list of crazy places I've had sex.

1. Bridge Road is a busy shopping strip. My friend and I knew two girls who lived above a shop on Bridge Road. After being out all night with them, they took us home and we gave them lots of cocaine and I then proceeded to fuck one of them on the awning above the street. At lunchtime on a Saturday. When thousands of people were walking underneath us and most likely watching my pasty white hairy boppin' man arse merrily doing it's thing. She was saying how much she liked "Bad Boys" and I was making the stupid cocaine talk, something like, "yeah baby, i'm a bad boy."


That it so bad.

2. In the very back seat of a Greyhound bus between Melbourne and Sydney. The best part of this is not that everyone in front of you is facing forward, but that when you drive through little towns and stop at the lights, people on the street can actually stand and gape as you happily fuck the girl who is sitting facing forward on your lap. AND if you a truly a demented, tortured comic genius, you can actually give these bystanders the thumbs up whilst doing it.

At first you'll think this was a dumb thing to do, the thumbs up. But years later, you will look back and realise you were ahead of your time, and if only someone would write that into a movie then you will feel complete.

3. One New Year's Eve, many years ago I was at Confest. Confest is a large, dirty and extremely nasally offensive gathering of hippies all nude laying in lice-infested mud, playing fucking bongos and re-connecting with nature. Man.

My friend Craig and I had gone up there on a whim with no camping supplies whatsoever except a tarpaulin the size of four hankerchiefs. Luckily, we also had eight bottles of Jack Daniels and 18 tabs of acid with which, we reasoned, we would stay awake for four days and not need to use the hankertarp.

After taking two on the first night and drinking someone else's cask Riesling as well as six of the bottled of Jack, I woke up under a log in the middle of a paddock. My feet covered by the tarp and my face covered in spider webs.

The next night was New Year's Eve. I'd found my housemate Kate amongst the festy throng and fire twirlers. We laughed at the hippies together for a few hours until it got dark and the fire twirlers were replaced by a fire of a completely different kind and our smiles kind of changed and we began to touch each other a lot more when we spoke and...and...

I took her by the hand and we ran away from the festival, over a fence and into an empty paddock on a neighbouring farm. We were missing the build up to midnight but there were better things to be doing. We ran straight into the centre of the paddock and undressed each other. It was an intensely clear night and we were hundreds of kilometres from the city so the sky was bleeding red with stars. We kissed, I lay on my back and she climbed on. We were laughing it was fucking amazing where we were, fucking amazing. Smiling and gazing at your fuck buddy is a truly wonderful experience, but out there, it was something else. Eventually it got to that point and screaming with lust and laughter we came together, and as we did, it must've hit midnight because New Years Eve, in the country, in a paddock, under millions and millions of stars...we looked into each other's eyes and came as fireworks went off above us, around us.


Of course there's more. But it's Sunday and i'm going to go back to the pub to drink with my sexy girl's best friend and watch her boyfriend the musical genius strut his stuff on stage.

If you happen to bump into me there, don't ask. Just take me by the hand and let's find a dark alleyway.

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