Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Tainted Love

My first and only gay experience was when I was 10 years old.

I was in Grade Six and my new best friend was a guy called Wolfgang. I ditched all my other friends because they had insipid names like Leigh and Greg. I wanted to appear exotic and well travelled so I made up stories about how my family and I had been to Disneyland on our Summer Vacation and how Acapulco was wonderful this time of year. I also lied and told everyone I was actually American but had been working on my Australian accent for years.

So when Wolfgang arrived at our school with his blonde curls and slight German accent, I was drawn to him in an International kind of way. Mmm...international

Wolfgang lived with his mother in a creche. Above the creche which his Mother ran during the day. We would go back there after school and step through a crowd of four and five year olds and feel like adults. Wolfgang would call his mother Helga and I thought that was about the coolest thing ever. We'd also steal cans of beer and sit in his room upstairs and drink one each, complementing each other on our mature and grown-up outlook on life. His older sister would cut my hair and as she did her teenage breasts would brush against the side of my face. I've had Hairdresser fantasies ever since. I still get hard when sitting in a salon. Hahahaha. Don't you love honesty?

One night I was staying over at his house when the subject of masturbation came up. No pun intended. Now being only ten years old I was of course a little shocked but wanting to appear sophisticated I naturally joined in the conversation with gay abandon, regaling my host with all sorts of technique tales and self-help methods.

Let's do it together, Wolfgang blurted out all of a sudden. Hmmm, I thought. But ok, so we did. He was obviously far more practiced in the art and I distinctly remember him having a strange banana shaped cock, as opposed to my normaler-than-though instrument. But I guess that could've been German Envy talking. He sorted himself out after a fashion and not wanting to seem an ungrateful guest I faked all sorts of Pigeon Coo noises and pretended to blow all over his room. Patting ourselves on the back, though I made sure we washed our hands first, we proceeded to steal another can of beer and sat looking out his window at a party next door, fantasing about how the grown-up women would see us and ask us over to join in their group sex sessions. This would've been classed as Pedophilia of course, but we would've been willing participants at that point, the Demon Lust having not quite loosened his grip on our pubescent souls.

Then.

"Have you ever fucked someone up the arse?" He asked me. I didn't even know what he meant. I sure as hell DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS SUGGESTING. Well okay, I did know, but it seemed a little strange for my ten year old friend to be asking me a question like that.

"Umm...no," I repied hesitantly, "have you?"

Turned out that he had, but prefered being a Wide Receiver or a Tight End than a Quarterback. God football is gay. Anyway, the Demon Lust was soon joined by his Siamese Twin the Demon Alcohol and Wolgang proceeded to drop his trousers, bend over like a little German Bitch and told me to give to him straight Doc. What was I to do? The window had a fifteen foot drop to the ground, I couldn't jump out there and between me and the door was a naked SourKraut begging for sausage. Well, life is short, I figured in a completely un-ten year old way. I pulled my pants down and trying to harden my grape sized flacid, I attempted to enter through the back door.
It didn't happen, this was fucking weird. Uncomfortably we bid our goodnights.
And the next day I went back to talking to Leigh and Greg.

Years later when I was 23 I was hanging out with a beautiful german girl called Anna. She was going out with a friend of mine, but he had gone overseas for six months so we used to do crazy things like tape ourselves having sex and listen back to it and masturbate in front of each other. We were close. Close enough for me to tell her the tale of my homosexual encounter with Wolfgang one afternoon over bucket bongs.

Wolfgang? I know Wolfgang! She laughed and instantly dived on the phone, inviting him to her house. I extracted a promise from her not to mention the story, we stocked up on beer and I waited to be re-united with my primary school bum chum.

It took ten minutes for Anna to break her promise.

So Matty tells me you wanted him to fuck you up the arse in primary school?

He excused himself and left. Anna danced with glee.

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