Thursday, March 3, 2005

The Hell of Therapy

Soundtrack: Sonic Youth / Teenage Riot (and me screaming)

All time favourite fuck everything song. If you close your eyes, turn it up fucking loud, let your soul pour out of your fucking eyes, imagine yourself 19 years old with the world at your feet, ready to love, create, fuck, smoke, laugh, sing, paint, shoot, seduce......ready to fucking LIVE...

I love fucking letting go.

I love it.

I'm beginning to remember.

I'm remembering that I'm an optimist. I'm remembering lessons I've learnt about fucking life. I'm remembering how small shit is and why I shouldn't let things in. Stupid things. Things that make ME small.

I'm remembering how to laugh at myself. I'm remembering how much I fucking love this fucked up life we all live and how to find beauty in the things that threaten to squash us.

Passion is a double edged sword. It means you feel everything so intensely but flip it round, shine some fucking light on it and it means you feel everything so intensely. Get it? Why would I trade that feeling for anything. Mediocrity, not in terms of intelligence or career, but in terms of emotion is the greatest fucking evil I can imagine. It disgusts me. It SCARES me. If I want to love, I want to LOVE. If i want to scream, I WANT TO DO IT LOUD. Dance? Go fucking crazy! Feel that motherfucking song. Let go, let go, let go. Cry, care, laugh, do a show, wave your fucking arms at the sky, fuck like a fucking animal! People can think I'm crazy, or a drunk, or wild, or stupid, or an addict or whatever the fuck they want to think.

That look in my eye?

That's my soul.

And it's burning, pressing, itching for release.

Sometimes I think I'm looking to connect, but right now, with this song playing and the universe once again not swallowing but licking, biting, scratching at me, tugging at me, stroking me, fucking communicating with me...

I'm right here. In my office. Surrounded by walls and people and shit shit shit. But I'm not here at all. I'm sitting next to you, I'm smiling cheekily at you, I'm laughing with you never at you and I'm asking you to dance and I'm asking you to fucking let go of the bullshit and check it out, it's fucking life and ain't that motherfucking shit grand.

Yes. It really is that good a song. But it needs to be LOUD.

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