Monday, May 2, 2005

Everybody wants to work, no, no, not me

Soundtrack: The Beatles / Hard Day's Night

I think we've established that I don't believe in God. But I believe in a plan. I believe we must have been given consciousness for a reason. Consciousness of the world around us and also the ability to make our own choices, our own internal choices. Seems to me some people come to more moral crossroads in their life than others, though maybe that is naive. It also seems to me that some people create their own crossroads for reasons of their own. Deep, soul deep, unhappiness within themselves which leads to the need for constant shifting, moving, trying to find a place of peace, of calm of quiet happiness.

But in my mind, these things have to be worked at. I hate it, my ego hates it, it believes that happiness is deserved and why the fuck should i have to work at something so goddamn simple. But my brain, which I trust, explains it a different way and maybe this applies only to me or maybe it applies to you too, but hard work brings reward (in most cases) so if you're looking for a REAL special type of happiness, a true Zen-like peace with yourself, well then first you've got to take a serious fucking look inside, face the black and work motherfucker work at it. Fix it, tune it, repair it, for recognising it is only half the battle. Recognising it is scary, you can stare at it for a while and then run run run, hide from it, flee flee flee from it, bury it back down until it returns once more and you curl up under your desk your stomach in your hands and your heart in your mouth and you think why the fuck is it here again?

I coasted through High School and got straight A's, I coasted through my twenties and thought success would come to my band purely because WE thought we were cool. I've coasted creating this magazine I make because it's silly and it's fun...and the whole time I've done these things, ten, fifteen, twenty years I have ignored the quiet, strong little voice in the back of my head.

You're a good worker matty, apply yourself and you can achieve anything.

Funny, that's what my Mum always told me.

Work is hardest when your not at your strongest. But the answer is so fucking simple, the answer is so damn clear. Everytime you put aside your bullshit and just get on with what you have to do, the load gets lighter and shit gets easier.

Such an elementary lesson, but for me, so fucking tough to put into practise.

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