Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The death of suicide Tuesday

Soundtrack: Dirt Clod Fight / Hymnal

Suicide Tuesday as some of you would know is the day the previous weekend decides to not only wrap you in its slow release maudlin embrace, it also generally decides to beat you across the head and in the kidneys with a maudlin sledgehammer.

Now it IS possible to avoid Suicide Tuesday by not taking drugs, drinking absinthe and tequila, not fucking girls behind the dj console and generally staying home all cosy soft domesticated throughout the weekend and enjoying a nice DVD and a spot of gardening.

Yes, I know...it's not going to happen is it...

BUT! FEAR NOT FELLOW DEBAUCHED READERS! FOR I HAVE DISCOVERED A WAY TO DEFEAT SUICIDE TUESDAY FOREVER! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!*

First, you will need to wake up in a picturesque idyllic country town with your arms wrapped around a hot naked brunette blogger and your legs wrapped around her dog.

Following this, proceed to a large comfortable cafe for dollops of brekky delights.

You can have a cigarette about now if you happen to smoke.

Follow breakfast with a brisk constitutional along the main street of a town known as the Spa Capital of Australia.

Proceed to aforementioned spa.

Have the Help fill Spa with Mud.

Place afore mentioned hot lips around your erect cock, make suitably impressed groans and gurgles.

You may fuck in the Mud Spa at this point if you so desire.

Continue spa with a nice book. I suggest Kurt Vonegut's Cats Cradle for a light yet thought provoking and thoroughly entertaining daytime read.

Hop out and find yourself some lunch, you must be hungry after such a difficult morning. YES!

Mmmm...Op Shops and Vegetable Soup? Capital!

Follow this with a leisurely two hour drive back to Melbourne, I find it amusing to impersonate robots to pass the time! You might have your own way of going completely insane!

Now...

Here it comes...

When you get home, get dressed, have a beer to calm your nerves because...



YOU ARE NOW GOING TO SEE THE GREATEST LIVING ROCK BAND ON THE PLANET YES YOU ARE OH FUCKING FUCK ME FUCKING CUNTOX YES BALLY BALLS SHIT POO OH FUCK FOOF FOOF FOOF FUCK.



Probably, you should take a nice long slow breather at this junction.




SEE THE BAND THAT SAVED AND CHANGED YOUR LIFE.



Jump up and down, touch your old friend's penis in delight and your partner's perfectly shaped bottom in joy.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAM.


Like a man though. Not a girly EEEEK! More of a Tiger-like ROAAAWWWWW.


Unless of course, you ARE a girl.


Follow this with shots of Tequila, shots of Jagermeister, a line of cocaine and incredibly rough sex with a willing partner and I guarantee that all thoughts of Suicide Tuesday will be forever banished from your mind.


Now about Suicide Friday...

8 comments:

  1. me want spa in spa capital(again). me want vegetable soup. me want hot rock band. me me me. want want want.

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  2. Me want sex and/or willing partner.

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  3. Me want to vacation with you both

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  4. Yes, QOTSA are totally awesome. Splendour in the grass........

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  5. Me wishes I still smoked so I could light one up after that scorching, hot sex filled post.

    *mimes inhaling*

    *not quite the same*

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  6. aaarrr sir.
    charming as ever.
    a recipe to try perhaps, with a few minor adjustments... location and gender.
    sweet

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  7. Suicide Sunday is making me believe in all the Godly vengence that I've heard so much about. What's the cure for the one?

    It's lovely that your goodtimes are good again, and that spa thing is a clever bit.

    xx

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  8. Suicide tuesday is such a bitch! Especially when you have to wake up early for uni... Will have a go at the spa afterwards though

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