Tuesday, July 19, 2005

He's acting dumb. That's what you've come to expect.

Soundtrack: Elliott Smith / Needle in the Hay.

Actually fuck it, it's that entire scene from The Royal Tenenbaums.

And follow it up then with Archers of Loaf / Learo, you're a hole.

Yes.

Apparently, apparently, Saturn my ruling planet has finally fucked off out of my starsign which means that, apparently, all this fucking chaos and confusion and weird fucked up mind numbing, soul freezing angst and turmoil and flowing, firey, flaming fucking feelings finally fuck the fuck out of my life.

Nice.

I'm ready.

And I can't tell if this is just another night, I can't tell you I'll be back tomorrow, I can't promise I won't fall...but at least THIS familiar feeling is one of you know what?

I've seen shit.

And I lived through it all.

And now, I've lived through this too.

Wrinkles can look sexy on a guy, and I plan to use mine appropriately.

This frown? It's not anger, and it's not pain.

It's memory.

Memory and strength and concen-fucking-tration so as not to repeat the same old mistakes, the same boring as Hell, still just a teenager inside mistakes.

Like I said, no promises. But it's nice to feel strong sometimes. Not closed off, not carrying the weight of a stone heart beating lava and granite through me, but just...Okay about life again.

There's a sign in the dressing room at Wimbledon and it says something like:

You have truly won when you view victory and defeat in the same manner.

Yeah, it's weird. But I think I get it.

I think I want to be calm.

No matter what.

*takes more valium*

Peace.

x

5 comments:

  1. Someone told me once I was ruled by Uranus. Fuck Uranus...Vicar.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Shit, sounds like you've just planned a wedding.

    Anything connected with a relationship would do it. I'm gonna bet myself a slap on the forehead that's what it is, then go read more of your site, then finish this.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nup, can't tell, unless it's missing out on the labor chick. That's a pretty good reason to be pissed, I suppose.

    Slap on the forehead for me for being presumptuous.

    ReplyDelete
  4. wow...i know of no one else in the world who has heard the icky mettle album

    ReplyDelete
  5. " If you can meet with triumph and disaster
    And treat those two imposters just the same"

    It's from the Rudyard Kipling poem "If"

    ReplyDelete