Thursday, July 14, 2005

Shy Boys Are My Weakness

Soundtrack: Les Savy Fav / We'll Make A Lover Of You

I'm not known as a public speaker. When it comes to doing embarrassing things in public, I prefer being caught behind a bush with my pants around my ankles and someone's legs wrapped around my waist. Or like the time my ex and I were caught fucking in a bush by three 10 year old boys who proceeded to throw tennis balls at us. Hit me right in the arse the little bastards...

Anyhoo, last night at the behest of the Future Prime Minister of Australia, I made a speech to a sizeable gathering of the Young Labor Left. I guess this was either because Tillops knows that I am an eloquent, passionate supporter of Left Wing Politics in this country, or because the poor guy must've REALLY been desperate.

Thankfully during my speech, the Young Labor Stayed.

Some things I probably shouldn't have done:

*Walked up to the microphone with a can of beer, a lit cigarette and an ashtray trying to look like Bill Hicks.

*Opened with the line, Hi. I'm mattyb and I'm an alcoholic.

*Tried to find a door handle on the concrete wall behind me after making everyone look the other way so I could make some sort of quick escape.

*When that didn't work, tried to envoke an Acme Magic Hole that I could toss on aforementioned wall and disappear through.

*Refer to my old workplace as Cocaine Central.

*Say cunting fuck shit cunt fuck.

*A lot.

*I certainly shouldn't have started to think about having sex with the girl in the front row halfway through my speech which made me lose my train of thought and just stand there drinking beer in front of everyone saying, well...this is the part where I just drink a beer.

*Started laughing to myself as I debated whether or not a meeting of the Young Labor Left was the right audience to start busting out all my rape jokes.

*And my funny Chinese voices. Yes, I contemplated doing the "flapping dicky"

*Tried to somehow tie in the fact that we created our magazine as a way to get drunk all the time and Australian Federal Politics.

*Been there at all.

But truly it was fun, I blushed like a cunt, swore like a trooper, drank like Bukowski.

Unfortunately I was too shy to get the girl in the front row's phone number because I swear to fucking god, it was like being Professor Indiana Jones the way she just stared and stared and blinked and licked her lips....ugh.

Thanks Tillops. Bastard.





  1. Oh no, thank you, bastard.

    Some comments received after the gig:

    "Wow, that first guy was"

    "Where did you find him?"

    "Was that guy just making all that stuff up?"

    "I thought both speakers were great. Oh, I mean all three. I forgot that first bloke."

    And the old favourite, "I want some of what he's smoking."

    To all comments I gave the same reply, "At least he didn't give us a run-down of his top five funniest arrests".

    Thanks again to you and the Dangerous One for coming along. Hope you feel better soon.

  2. Actually I left thinking, "I'd really like to do that was fun!"

    I couldn't tell you one single fucking word that left my mouth. It's a fifteen minute blank.

  3. What were you there to talk about?

  4. I think it was meant to be about streetpress.

    I'm not entirely sure what it actually ended up coming out as.

  5. Girl in front rowJuly 16, 2005 at 12:02 AM

    oh fuck. can you delete that from public display?

  6. I need to know if you actually said

    "This is the part where I just drink a beer."

    Wigga, you crazy!

    Mad Love yo.