Sunday, August 21, 2005

Be careful what you wish for

Soundtrack: Janes Addiction / Jane Says

For a trashy, fucked up, weirdo, lust-driven nymph slut, I've fucked up my fair share of opportunities for weird and wonderful sexual experiences.

Best opening line ever.

My first ecstasy pill was given to me by a friend of mine called Ray. He played in a band as did I at the time, though his band was quite famous and mine was a perennial Support Act. Anyway, we became pretty tight and used to smoke pot together and jam and drink and talk about girls, girls, girls. One night he invited to me out, to what was possibly the most disgustingly debauched club in Melbourne at the time. Janes Bar at The Dome. Not my thang really, but I was single and toey and ready to try new things so I agreed to go.

So there we were, surrounded by half naked Buffed up Tank Boys and Transvetites and Hot Dirty Slappers (my favourite) and I was discovering what it feels like when your first pill begins to take hold and here came the vomit, but hold it in matty, hold it in, and those days a pill was a PILL and wooooo boy, this sure was interesting Mr Magoo...

I stood smoking a cigarette, or rather I leant against a pole watching it burn down toward my fingers surrounded by flesh and the scent of dirty fuck when Ray approached me with a strange girl on his arm. I fell in instant ecstasy love. (I was still quite naive and a believer in such things)

The three of us hung out for the rest of the night, laying back on couches, buying rounds of vodka and talking melty faced talk until the wee hours, until it was time to leave.

So back to Ray's house we went. And he and the girl and I sat on the bed and talked until he began to stroke her leg and slide his tongue into her lipsticked dirty mouth and and her skirt was pushed up higher...and I in my naivety, thought this my cue to leave so into the lounge I went, perusing coffee table books and wondering how the fuck I was going to get home...

Ray came in.

"Hey brother, what are you doin?"

"Oh you know, thought I'd get out of the way..."

"Out of the way? Hahaha, you want me to send her home? I'll send her home..."

"No no no..."

Too late. Slightly annoyed and not a little ruffled she was sent home in a cab.

"Do you want to come to bed?" Ray asks...


So I strip down to my boxers, get into his bed, pull the doona over myself and fall asleep.

Later, I wake to Ray smoking a cigarette. Shaking his head and laughing at me.

"You're a funny boy Matty"

I don't get it but have a drag on his cigarette anyway.

About three years later, I worked out what the Hell had been going on. And both kicked myself for missing out on strange threeway drug sex and congratulated myself for missing out on strange skanky threeway drug sex.

I was going to write more stories of my failures (hehe) but I can't be bothered now.


Music and girls and food are my favourite things.

Writing is nice too.

As are you.