Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Give the mule what he wants

Soundtrack: Queens of the Stonge Age / You've got a killer scene there man...

In an effort to force myself into some sort of literary enema I have decided to embark on what will possibly be my longest post to date. It, like me, will have peaks and troughs. It, also like me, will be mostly self-indulgent. However, hmmm...maybe like me, it does have a purpose. It's purpose is to kick start the fuck my heart back into this imaginary world from which I have been absent, at least in spirit.

Topic #1: Cocaine 101

I am in no way extoling the virtues or lack thereof of this drug, however I have had some experience with it recently and as such am drawn to write about it.

Cocaine makes me do strange things. Cocaine makes me do incredibly filthy fucking things. Cocaine takes my already wayward libido and magnifies it. If you had ever been intimate with me, this would possibly scare you. Unless of course, you were also on cocaine and then most likely we would not be bothering with this blogging shit, we'd just be fucking. A lot. Some people think cocaine is a social drug, as in, if you're out at a club you will feel increased confidence. Hmmm. I guess you could call it that. With me cocaine gives me the sort of confidence that will lead me to try and drag as any people into bed as possible. At the same time of course...which leads me to...

Topic #2: Threesomes

I have a filthy fucking mouth. Cunt. Hehe. When sexually aroused, I tend to enjoy a multimedia type of experience and as such am what is known in scientific circles as...Talkus Dirtius Quite Alotus. Now, if for our experiment, we were to combine this with cocaine we would find ourselves in a bath drinking champagne and watching porn with a naked girl. Fine you say! Kudos! Yes, kudos. However combine all the above ingredients with a mobile phone full of the phone numbers of strange and easily excitable people and an interesting result ensues.

Text Message sent half in jest and half in a cocaine induced Red Lust Mist:
Yo, we're in a bath watching porn in a hotel room drinking champagne and snorting coke. Come and play naked with us!

Surprising response received:
Sounds good, what's the address?

Text message returned half in jest and now half in incredulous hope:
Really? Address....

Response forcing champagne out my nose:
Yeah, sounds hot. Be there soon.

Now, I'm not saying this situation did or did not happen, I am merely stating the possibilities available to you if you are either:

a) A dynamo sexpot with a phonebook full of hot sexy chicks ready to fuck at the drop of a hat


b) A messy fucked up 32 year old who straddles precariously the line between immaturity and just plain WEIRD.

What happened after that, IF it happened at all, I will leave to your imagination. Suffice to careful what you wish for.

Topic #3: Love

It's difficult for me to write about this here. There are so many people with some sort of interest in my personal life that every day I flip flop between thinking I should shut the fuck up about it although it provides me with such inspiration to write and thinking along the lines of...

Do you remember Greg the Boyfriend's blog? (haha...) What so many people were impressed with about him was that he wrote with such honesty about his personal life even though he knew a lot of the people involved were reading. He didn't care. I think that's hot. He remains my first and only TRUE blog crush. Courage is sexy. Not giving a damn will always be sexy.'s difficult to decide. I think for now I'll leave it at:

Fucking Love. Love has been my hobby for so long now, my goal, my pinnacle, that I've forgotten all about those macrame classes I was enrolled in and instead for the last 13 years I have focused purely on the destructive search for True Love. I have learnt a lot about it in these years of studying it, breathing it, living it. I'm still not quite sure of it's true nature. I hope that by the time I do, if I ever do, that I will still have a long time to enjoy it, rather than 90 years old on my deathbed and with my last words splutter, "Hey! I think I finally underst...."

It's dangerous. It's huge. It makes me sick and it makes me cry and it makes me angry...but most of all, it makes me happy. So fucking happy.

Where are we? Oh yeah...

Cocaine, Threesomes and Love.

The Mathew Barker Story.

Topic #4: A different kind of Love

Last night my New Best Friend arrived at my house drunk and in an alcohol induced introspective mood. She spoke about her relationship and she spoke about ours. She looked me in the eye and said, "I don't know where your heart lies, so I can never tell when you're taking the piss out of me. Are you taking the piss out of me?"

She goes out with my Actual Best Friend. For some bizarre and wonderfully surprising reason, she and I can talk more than she can talk to him. It's cute. We talked about her tumultuous but loving relationship with my best friend and she tearily sang his praises to me.

There is nothing better than someone telling you how fucking cool your best friend is.

Topic #5: Hi!!!!

Wowsers, sometimes shit gets serious and sometimes it's easy to forget why the fuck we're lucky enough to have been endowed with this Gift called: A Sense of Humour. Look! That man fell over and hurt himself. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Slapstick rules. So does beer, and music, and chicks, and having a new house. And enjoying this fucking life while we're here.

There's a few things I'm looking forward to in the next few months.

Meeting you in September.

Unshackling myself from work. Sooner rather than later.

Jamming with my oldest and closest friend ex-bandmate and sometime mortal enemy.

Tongue kissing.

Travelling to a place I have never been before.

Finally stopping this long drawn out and completely ridiclous self-indulgent post.

There is love.

Sherriff B.



  1. Travelling to a place I have never been before.

    you've never been to me.

    figuratively speaking.


  2. "Courage is sexy. Not giving a damn will always be sexy."

    But what if you're courageous and don't give a damn about something really unsexy?

  3. Love love love to you, Matty x

  4. You make me want to love and fuck and snort cocaine. Such is power of your words.

    Write more...

  5. I've missed you so much.....lust is better than love because it can be found anytime and it doesn't hurt...well, not emotionally anyway. I lust you...