Sunday, September 11, 2005

Don Quixotic

Soundtrack: Bright Eyes / At the bottom of everything

8:50 - 9:00

It is impossible to find happiness in the arms of another if you cannot find it within yourself. But should you find yourself wrapped in someone's arms, it should not be seen as escape. It should be seen as respite. One brief moment in time. One blink of an eye.. One moment to breath and close your eyes and feel...just feel.

There goes my home. Receding like tide waters behind me as my coach pulls out and onward goes The B. And my home does not move, just hands-in-pockets watches as I turn and face forward.

And I know the feeling.

9:00 - 9:15

Outside the window I stare and spread my heart across the countryside. I take everything inside me. I take the trees, the hills, the creeks, the farmhouses. I take the sky. I take it all in and I give myself over to loving it, because I know the man sitting next to me is buried in his Business News and has no idea that I encompass him as well. I free myself and love the world, because, if you have these feelings, it is your duty to do so.

9:15 - 9:30

I play the game I have played since I was four years old. Outside the window I ride my hovering skateboard, dodging trees, skimming dams and sending white cold spray flying skyward in my wake. We hit the forest and I lower my centre of gravity. It is difficult now, fast and dangerous, in, out, over logs and under branches, faster, faster, faster, ducking, weaving, speeding until BANG the forest breaks open and the hills explode space as far as the horizon and on my board I hold my hands out and my head tilts to the sky and I scream WOOHOO!

And inside the coach, I laugh. I laugh with my own joy. And the Business News man shifts across the aisle to the newly vacated seat beside us.

9:30 - 9:45

I search the ache inside. I puzzle over it as though it is a multi-coloured cube all chaos and formless. Click. Click. I turn it in my hands until it takes shape. Until it is not an ache. It is a BEAT. BEAT. BEAT. It is a living fucking beating heart. And it continues to beat. And it will continue to beat for every one of these 650,00 hours I am here.

Tick. Tick.

9:45 - 10:02

Underdressed and overfed. It's cold in Ballarat, so I find a corner and light up.

10:02 - 11:00

At a dinner party, or out with friends at a restaurant. I am the guy who walks outside alone and smokes. So I am the last to jump the train as yes, the whistle blows and the doors close and my frozen nose...drips. Heh.

I find a seat, the only one that comes in pairs and marvel at my luck, until beside my chairs a door opens and a man emerges all flushed and I know exactly what he had for dinner the night before and it's not pretty.

I am a reader. Especially on a trip like this. But this time I show my other side. I am a starer. I am a ponderer and a daydreamer and it's just so fucking beautiful out there I choose that over Editorials and Don't You Hate It Whens...And the view rewards me, though I could never describe how.

My thoughts turn to home. Not the one I have left. Behind. But the one in front of me. And it is though I am standing in a shower of revelation. For it begins to trickle slowly over my scalp, tickling my ears, dripping over my naked shoulders before wrapping the rest of me in its warm embrace.

I have no home.

This is not a sad statement.

On the contrary.

Right NOW. Watching houses, hills, mountains, dams, forests scream past me...I feel more at home right now than I ever have. In between places. I am the in-between man. And I laugh at myself again, but this time there is only the toilet door beside me, and thankfully, it remains close lipped.

I do have a house, that is lit in blue the way approaching light takes that hue. It is a nice house. In fact, it is as close to a physical representation of home as I have ever had. But home is a place deep inside, and that is either a hundred miles behind me, or a hundred years in front.

And the first of two coincidences takes place as we shoot past Sunshine Station and out of the clouds it comes and if Business News man is on this train I hope he looks out the window at that moment because if you think you're missing out on finding happiness or missing out on the world's events...THEN TAKE A FUCKING LOOK AT THAT! That, my friend, is an event.


Witness says he was too busy doing crossword to notice Nature's Beauty.


And the second comes as I light my next cigarette. Huddled out of the wind under canvas back in the city. On the half built Platform lies a gigantic Yellow Machine. Its purpose eluding me but painted in huge black letters on its side the word: Allight.

And I smile and draw back my sweet toxic friend. Because kids, today...I feel Allllight.

Cue Haddaway's: What Is love.


  1. A supersensitive man with a restless soul.. I'm hooked! Your mind is so rare.. I don't think you even have too try to betray the idea of a simple generalized existence.. Your mind will just naturally turn life into a colorful romantic adventure.. I want a Mattty.. If you ever come across another you... Let me know k ?

    Lucky lucky sweet sugar lucky sweet you.

  2. There is a lot of Matty to go around you know...

  3. A real enlightening blog. Don't stop now. I'm sure you'd be interested in How to buy & sell everything, like music on interest free credit; pay whenever you want.

  4. And people want to BLOCK these spams?

    Count me in.

  5. Oh Matty - that was beautiful. Even the Haddaway bit x

  6. i fucking love you

    in a mates way, you know? even tho we're not mates or whatever...*shifts uncomfortabley* going now

  7. I've done that journey so many times and that post reminded me of so many times I have sat and pondered whilst staring out the window.

  8. sweet-soul sunshine...
    yea he's allight...