Tuesday, October 4, 2005

The Cyber Pass

Soundtrack: The Rapture / I need your love

I used to kill time at work by logging on to dodgy fucked up swinging websites.

It wasn't so much that I was entertaining the idea, though I was, but more the "secret squirrel pit of your stomach mist" that enveloped me whenever I was doing something I shouldn't.

I used to get that a lot. Because I used to do shit I shouldn't have been doing A LOT.

A lot.

So, I made a profile on Adult Match Maker and with my computer screen angled just so at work, would spend my days looking at all the strange people who were trawling cyberspace for discreet sex. Sounds like blogging doesn't it? But without the brains perhaps. And with more photos...

Anyhoo, I found a photo of someone who looked like me, but was perhaps a shade hotter and I took a photo of my penis and voila! I was a born again swinger.

It would be only a matter of days before the torrent began...

And begin it did.

All of a sudden LOTS OF NEW AND INTERESTING PEOPLE IN MY AREA WERE WANTING TO MEET ME. I was the Belle of the Ball. Or perhaps, I was the Balls with no Belle. Either or.

I was propositioned by a 56 year old woman, couples, singles, A DENTIST (MALE), groups...(not a dentist group...and that's the tooth) Liqorice all sorts came out of the woodwork to contact me, all while I was sitting innocently at my work desk, supposedly making a magazine.

In the end, the Heat started to get to me, and the thrill of the Unknown began to drive my spindly (yet elegant and sexy) fingers to reply to three different profiles.

The first reply was to a 27 year old girl, who was supposedly in an "adventurous" couple..."looking for good times". I suggested going to see a band followed by a shot of absinthe. I always have a good time doing that, but it seemed I was off the mark, SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SEX. I KNOW! CRAZY!


I arranged to meet her at The Lounge in the city. 2pm, weekday. Safe.

So I sat on the balcony and I had myself a beer or three and I smoked some chicanos until before me stood something that looked a little like this:

"mmmmm...threeway we will have"

No motherfucker. Threeway we will NOT motherfucking have.

But sometimes as I am struck by the Demon Mist Lust, I am also struck by its GHEY cousin, the Demon Nice and Polite. So I bought Yoda a beer and talked shit for a little while...

Hey Yoda. Do people really ever meet like this? Isn't it strange? I'm sure you are only doing it for the WEIRD EXPERIENCE like I am...ummm...Mummy make the bad alien faced woman go away....

"Mmmm, another beer you will have, back to mine you will come, yes....commmmme"

[in Homer Simpson voice:] EEEE!

So Matty ran away.

The second message I replied to was from a group. WE ARE ALL 18-30. BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ONLY. WE ENJOY MUTUAL MATURBATION AND ALL NIGHT ORGIES.

Well, fuck me kids, so the fuck do I. Let's rumble!

They sent me a message and told me to meet at Bimbo Deluxe on Brunswick Street. They would send one of their group, a female to "suss me out"

Cool, I said. Tomorrow it is!

That night I went on a savage four pill, two grams of speed bender, so I arrived at Bimbo Deluxe...a little....shaky....

All of a sudden I was tapped on the shoulder by a woman who looked a little like this:

"excuse me...are you Mat?"

I swear, somedays I look kinda cute. Promise. But after that many fucking drugs and no sleep...well, I turned to face her...

"Mmmmm...gangbang I am wanting!"

She was not possesed of the Demon Nice and Polite and promptly jumped into the air, knocking drinks off the bar behind her and she fled in horror...


Alas poor Gangbang...I know not you well. Perhaps I was a little harsh on my first friend.

Now the third message took me a little longer to reply to as my first two experiences were a little offputting, but her picture was cute and she wrote with a wit and she was a Cancerian who I have a soft spot for so...I wrote back.

We enjoyed a couple of weeks of flirtatious emails before moving onto MSN Messenger. I learnt she had a husband, I learnt that during the day at work is a really fun time to have incredibly filthy conversations on MSN Messenger, I learnt that each night she would tell her husband about our conversations and they would have wild and crazy sex, and while they were doing that I learnt that during or after these conversations well...if you've got to go...you've got to go. Work toilet or no work toilet.

Eventually, I invited them to a party I was having IN A PENTHOUSE SUITE IN THE CITY. It was actually a very important work party for a very important client. People would be there. Not just people, but PEOPLE. Cocksmoking corporate advertising and fashion people. Aaah, those halcyon days of publishing...


Anyhoo, a little wary, but with an adventurous spirit they accepted the invitation.

They were amongst the first to arrive. It was really nice to meet them. They were from out in the 'burbs but good people and we got along really well. Sweet!

It's just...I really wish...

It took me a couple of hours to find out. People were patting me on the back and laughing good naturedly at me. Winking at me. Chuckling and tittering behind my back.

I mean I really wish...

And I didn't really pay any attention to any of this until I was standing with the International Marketing Manager of Nike having a yarn and trying to impress him when up they came and joined the conversation and the Nike guy asked them..

"So how do you know Mat?

And of course, OF COURSE, they replied...

"Oh we met him on Adult Match Maker, you know the swinger's site?"

It was only fourteen stories down.

Didn't hurt that much.


  1. You are the master of [smutty] multitasking.

    It's good to be the Boss.

  2. You're the Boss!

    Why aren't you HERE please?

  3. I'm surprised we never met..

    I had a similar meet yoda experience..

  4. Who's the Boss?

    And it's only a matter of time before I call your blessed land home.

    Save a koala for me, please.
    I loves to cuddle.

  5. Who's The Boss?

    *cues music*


    There is more to life than what you're livin',
    So take a chance and face the wind.
    An open road and a road that's hidden,
    A brand new life around the bend.

    There were times,
    I lost a dream or two.
    Found the trail,
    And at the end was you.

    There's a path you take
    And a path untaken,
    The choice is up to you my friend.

    Nights are long but you'll find a way,
    To a brand new life, brand new life,
    brand new life around the bend!

  6. "mmmmm...gold I believe that was"

  7. In the midst of my own 'redhotpie' experience at the moment. Love your sexy mind.