Wednesday, October 19, 2005

It's time to spread our wings and FLY

Soundtrack: John Lennon / Intuition

We have grown.

Ever since I can remember, I've called myself "ambitious", thinking that therefore I was somebody, I was destined to BE somebody.

When I was about 6 years old I used to direct pretend movies at family barbeques and order everyone around and tell them to "get into character" or that I couldn't "FEEL" their performance.

My mother and sister would look at each other and say things like, "one day...that Mathew, he'll look after us all..."

Their friends would look at each other and say, "fuck he's an obnoxious little cunt isn't he?"

When I was 16 I was awarded a scholarship to go and study in Japan. I ended up there for almost three years, travelling, drinking, studying Kendo and Ninjutsu and Medieval Japanese History. The whole trip was paid for by Western Mining, who believed that I would BE somebody. Who backed me to come back and lead their Japanese Division into the future.

I didn't.

I came back and started smoking bongs and, of course I was fucking 19...I started a band.

When I was in the band I KNEW. I knew we would BE somebody. We would fucking make it. Coke and pussy baby. Coke and motherfucking pussy and travelling the world and gig after gig after gig and non stop CREATIVITY.

7 years we ran that band and the furthest we got out of Melbourne was Warnambool, Ballarat, Leongatha. But still, good times...no coke, a little pussy...but CREATIVITY and that's the fucking shit.

Eventually we all got so broke that Fiscal Responsibility could be ignored no more. We were 26-27, and girls were starting to pay more attention to guys who actually owned cars or could afford to take them to dinner rather than boys who looked great on stage but baby, when the reality walks off their all sweaty and broke...well, you've got to be a certain type of girl, and I certainly hadn't met too many of them...

So I got a job and I learned a trade making magazines until eventually one drug fuelled weekend, some friends and I decide we could start our own mag...we would BE somebody...

Fuck me, that was pretty much 5 years ago, and I'm tired.

I'm tired of ambition. I don't really CARE about taking over the world anymore. I like sitting in the park. I like the fact that I walked for an hour to get to this office the other morning and it was sunny and people smiled at me when I walked past them because you know what? I was smiling at THEM.

To be honest, not one ambition I've had has come true, but if I look at it differently then...well, maybe they have. I've always thought that from ambition to fruition meant me rolling in cash, sitting on a beach, skinnies in minis while I'm sinking tinnies sort o' thing...

But this morning I realised...and this is as close to answwering the person who tagged me as i'll get...

I was in a cool band for 7 years.
I lived in a crazy foreign country for three years.
I started a magazine that went from 1500 paper copies in Melbourne, to 30,000 glossy copies all around Australia.
I've made friends with some AMAZING motherfuckers, and you know what is nice? They think I'm amazing too.
I'm writing a book. A book! ME! I'm writing a book! HHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA
Also, I have been asked to write A MOVIE. AHAHAHAHAHA. ME! A MOVIE!

I didn't feel too succesful these last few weeks, not like down on myself, just...I thought I had so far to go still in life....So this post, as rambling as it is, may not mean much to you, but I just had to hint at something and that's...

Why the fuck would I be thinking that when the only thing that really matters is just stopping, smiling and being happy?

And as soon as I let go of my own ambitions, or more to the point, my preconceived notions of what they were...everything came flooding in...my movie made sense, my book has a theme, I know what to do with my music...

But the best bit is:

If nothing pans out, if everything falls apart...I don't really care. There's always a nice park to sit in, and a great book to read, and some oysters to eat and girls to flirt with.

Pish posh Buster.

x

6 comments:

  1. I was in a cafe this morning and saw a picture of some hot looking bird in the pile of magazines and found it was your mag. It reminded me to pop by and say hi.

    Hi.

    You are an amazing fella, can't wait to see what comes of the book and movie.

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  2. i think i like you...

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  3. i have never really been ambitious, which has been good really. i've had lots of plans that didn't work out, but that's different, and it's ok. but yeah, sitting in a park. that's where it's at. laughing and connecting with people.

    i subbed on some mags but i'm sure none were your one. will you tell or not?

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  4. always up to something...

    good.

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  5. thanks again Sherriff.
    You keep echoing thoughts we haven't vocalized and comforting all of us and I hope you know that's appreciated.
    Plus, goddamn if you aren't the funniest man in hell.

    ReplyDelete