Tuesday, October 25, 2005

WHICH PART OF FUCKING FUCK DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND

Soundtrack: Ike and Tina Turner / Nutbush City Limits (in an X-Files Style)

Following on from my last "gee the FLOWERS are beautiful and Pollen tastes like Fairy Dust in this wonderful trumpet playing world of ours" post when everything came up B and dinner awaited and so did baited breath because I was DEFINITELY going to have the Ocean Fillet after I ate this AMAZING sesame coated piece of CROCODILE. Yes, crocodile...

Let's play charades!


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FUCK. I guess charades doens't really work on the Intersmeg.

Ok, let's play a different game! You can be me and I'll be the restaurant staff...

YOU (actually me...get it?): Hello! Wow! THIS is a restaurant...so beautiful! It's amazing what you've done with the place! And, might I say, these Reader's Digest Condensed Novels make wonderful menus, TOUCHDOWN!

RESTAURANT STAFF (shh...it's only me!): Thankyou you wonderfully dapper young man, now what would you like to order?

YOU...ME...ARGH, this is confusing now...: Well, my fancy culinary friend I will have THIS and THIS...OH MY GOD HOW FUCKING GOOD DOES THIS LOOK! Oh...now there's just ONE FUCKING THING. WHEN YOU ARE LOOKING ME IN THE EYE AND TELLING ME THAT THERE ARE DEFINITELY NO FREAKING NUTS IN THESE FUCKING DISHES ARE YOU TELLING ME THE TRUTH 100% IRONSIDE STYLE? Because you know...I'd hate to like, DIE and ruin the ambience of your restaurant which you have so obviously spent many painstaking hours creating into such a wonderful visual tappenade!

RESTAURANT STAFF (one of us!): Young man, I can absolutely, positively, guarantee you that there is not even a TRACE of nuts in these WONDERFUL dishes you have PERFECTLY chosen to ingest this warm sultry eve..SAFETY DANCE! YOU AND ME! However don't take my word for it, I shall PERSONALLY GO AND ASK THE CHEF! CHEF??? CHEF CAN YOU HEAR ME?

CHEF: WHO DISTURB THE CHEF? FUCK YOU IN YOUR PANTALOON IN THE HELL OF BLUNT KNIVES.........OUI?

RESTAURANT STAFF: Chef, please confirm with me that there are ABSOLUTELY NO NUTS IN EITHER OF THESE DISHES THIS DELECTABLE YOUNG MAN HAS SELECTED THIS FINE SULTRY EVE...


CHEF: I, CHEF! PERSONALLY GUARANTEE ON THE HEADS OF MY CHILDREN, THAT THERE ARE NO NUTS IN THESE DISHES SIR...NO NUTS!

RESTAURANT STAFF BRINGING DISHES TO TABLE: Here young man, you have selected wisely...ENJOY!

ME: *eats Crocodile COMPLETELY COVERED IN WALNUTS*


Is someone trying to knock me off here?

12 comments:

  1. ...how? cashews maybe, but walnuts? it even has 'nut' in the name???

    i love you mattyb

    xxxxx

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  2. Oh JESUS FUCK. How the fuck can you still be alive? Don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED that you are alive enough to write this post, but it is in no way due to the care and diligence shown by chefs who have NARY A CLUE what constitutes a NUT and whether they are added ON PURPOSE to something that they happen to be cooking.

    SO anti-chefs right now.

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  3. Tonight I return to the scene of the crime for a FREE MEAL.

    If it happens two nights in a row, I'm a'gonna sue!

    But really, it's a fucking nice place...

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  4. again with the nuts

    are you pulling it???

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  5. WTF? Was the result as bad as last time??? For fuck's!

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  6. bugger... can I host you a 'Rocky Road' night.

    Tell you its all about Hot Chicks & Strippers, sell tickets & we can all sit around watching the awsome colours & sizes you transform into? ( maybe a little Veruca Salt style) luv ya! or to laugh at ya!

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  7. WHICH PART OF FUCKING FUCK DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND JOY DIVISION CHICK?

    Hiden messages and stuff..

    Sheeeeeesh..

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  8. Geez dude, maybe you should do up a will.

    Hey, that's a nice computer you have there......

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  9. I like your nuts sir. Now please remove them from my plate.

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  10. Sheriff..? SHERIFF??

    *gets steroids*

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  11. um...sherriff? its mighty quiet round these parts...please dont come back telling another scary nut story...actually, do please come back telling another scary nut story and then promising you will never eat at that restaurant again

    ReplyDelete