Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Dana International

Soundtrack: Coldcut / Everything is under control

When someone says they are behind you and there to catch you if you fall back, do you trust them? How about if, like the boy who cried wolf, they have let you fall before, but reassure you that THIS time, they will catch you. If you mistrust them, is it you who is the loser in this situation? Should you retain your naive belief in others, in the world no matter what happens?

This is where I am at. I have read and reread old posts, posts filled with positivity and belief, posts urging myself and anyone who will listen to look life in the eye and smile. To let it all fall at your feet, that you may flick your lit cigarette into it and watch all the shit just burn baby burn.

I've lied to you. I'm not as independent as I try to be. I know I should be, but sometimes...sometimes I like knowing there is someone behind me to catch me should I fall.

Fuck me dead, I hate when things are not in my sphere of influence, when I have no control over what goes on around me, when all I am is a passive observer, a peeping tom while my life is being fucked in the other room.

That's the negative part.

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Here's the advice I give to myself.

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What DO you have control over? When are you most happy?

Heh.

No, not THAT. I mean, really happy.

When I'm making music.

So, focus on that. All this bullshit, all this angst, all this Woe is Me crap...drown it in riffs, scream it in lyrics, take these words you write and laser guide the fuck out of them into 9 damn songs. Stand on stage and just let it all out. Close the fucking world out, and pour that fucking soul all over the faces of those who stand before you. You've been doing it here online anyway. Oh and...

What?

Do it with a gigantic fucking grin on your face. And distortion. Lots of distortion. And show the world just how little you fucking care for its crap. Draw blood from your hand like you did ten years ago. Feel the REAL adrenalin feed you strength. And don't ever fucking stop believing that what you feel is right. And okay.

As for others...they have their own life, their own shit, their own crap. And if you don't give them something to be happy about, something to rock out to, something to take them away from their pain, if only for an hour...then what the fuck are you even in this life for? Mediocrity? I think fucking not my friend. Mediocrity and you, well...you've had some strange bedfellows, but I don't think even you would stoop THAT low.

Alright.

********************

The morning I waved goodbye to my Mum from the back window of a Greyhound Coach, her last words were ringing in my ears. And they are now. Again. Louder and louder. And to think, for the last five years I have done nothing about them, I've ignored them, been distracted by working and relationships and partying...and my life has been off kilter ever since.

She gave me my destiny, she asked me one simple fucking favour. Looked me in the eye and in a rare moment of clarity, pleaded with me...

Matty. Don't EVER stop making music, no matter what ANYONE says, no matter how much life gets in the way. Music is our soul and it transcends all of THIS.

So now we're coming. This is not dream, a whim. This is what has always been there. Sleeping beside, inside me. Yesterday we picked up where we had left off, yesterday the euphoria returned, the catharsis of release, real release and now...now this storm outside is OURS. This tight dripping fucking weather, this animal heat. This is OURS.

And if I don't believe that, then who the fuck will.

Time to own. Time to own everything.

Cocky motherfucker huh...


4 comments:

  1. somehow, still, the only words to come from my heart for you are 'i love you'

    ReplyDelete
  2. You're forming a QOTSA tribute band!?!?!?

    Sweeeeeeet...

    ReplyDelete