Thursday, January 5, 2006

Part 4231.

Soundtrack: QOTSA / Feel good hit of the summer

I met my future self at the designated locale. Sitting at the end of the bar as the smoke curled invisible and asp like around and between us. Silver ropes binding our destinies through a fantastical time chasm. I looked good for an old guy.

Then as now and in the future, I did not hesitate.

You're still waiting for something that is not going to happen, my future self spoke straight and true.

Ha, I avoided his gaze and ordered a beer, drawing lazily on my cigarette.

You're still waiting for IT. But the thing is, IT doesn't come to you. You make IT.

I'd been thinking this for a few days anyway, but it's never nice to be told what you're thinking, especially by someone who knows you well. Especially by yourself.

I rubbed my face with my open palm, finding comfort in the feel of ash on my cheek as I inhaled through my nose in an unconscious fit of pique.

You should know it's hard for me to listen to advice. You should know I don't take well to someone knowing me better than I know myself.

Well that's why it had to come from me, from you.

I hated myself, my future self. So I'm still all on the Mr Wise know-it-all trip then huh?

Matty, drop the act. You're no Rebel Without A Cause, you're me, I like us both and I want what is best. For us.

I was right. I was wearing that Fuck You like my favourite pair of Converse. Thing is, I've never admitted to anyone that actually I like the feeling of a nice pair of clean, smart, spunky dress shoes. I conceded.

Ok. I'm just feeling a bit...confused today, and I always hide that under smart arse comments.

I know, but it's okay you see? I'm here to tell you everything turns out okay. I'm here to tell you that you end up HAPPY. Fucked up I know. Mind if I pinch a smoke?


Haha, so I'm still botting cigarettes though...


Actually you give up, but seeing as though I'm back in the past, I might as well enjoy myself. I mean, it's not like we ever shed our love of Hedonism...

Nice. Very fucking nice. Okay then Me, hit me with the advice or the speech or next week's motherfucking tattslotto numbers or whatever it is that you're here for...

I'm not about to tell you your future Mr B, but the reason I'm here, the thing you need to understand, the feeling you finally need to fucking shed so you don't end up one of those literary characters standing on the edge of a pier looking out over a sunset and thinking back over your life with regret is...stop...waiting. Stop hoping. Stop living on blind belief that you will come to a pivot in your life when all will become clear and your path will open itself up to you and forward you will travel, arms outstretched as you embrace destiny...This never happens. EVER.

Well that's a cheery thought...

What does happen is, after you finish that beer and I return to the future and you get off that fucking computer and out into the real world is...you begin to FORGE a path. You begin to MAKE your own future, you begin to shape the world around you with the force of your will until it becomes what you want it to become. That's what must be done. And until you do it, you're just another piece of flotsam, tossed around by other's will, by other's destinies. And for someone who doesn't like being told what to do, well, can you think of anything worse?

I lifted my eyes off the floor and stared myself in the eye. Old bastard actually had a twinkle in there. I drew back again and smiled an honest smile. A real soul emptying smile and laughed.

Sighed.

I've known this.

I know you have.

I've been thinking this.

I know you have.

But inside is the weight of malaise, the weight of fear and the urge to hide, to fuck you the world.

I know.

But I want what you say, I want it more than anything.

I know you do.

I rub my eyes and feel my soul screaming at me. I feel the sadness and anger I have carried my whole life. I feel the urge to create and to make a difference. I fight the urge to order a beer. I fight the waves of guilt that wash over me. I swim deeper and deeper and 50,000 leagues deeper into the ocean of myself until finally I find that tiny island inside. That calm, that rare motherfucking calm. And on that island stands my Love and my Children and my friends and my guitar and books and books and and a house on a hill and everyone is smiling and it's green so green and all of a sudden I'm raining tears of joy and they pour down my face and down my chest and wash over my belly until I begin to float on my own emotion and inside I screeeeeeeeeeeeeam.

And when I pull my hands away, my future self is gone and instead there is me.

Just me.

4 comments:

  1. Lovely post. Birthdays bring about such a reflective state. And you've got a double hit - end of year/beginning of new year too which is bound to make you stop and look at yourself more closely.

    Happy Birthday and I hope you get on top of things and make the changes you want to make.

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  2. Beautiful, Matty. Just beautiful x

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  3. I always spend ages rewording comments I don't end up leaving after amazing posts like that.

    Happy belated birthday, to you and your future self.

    xx

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  4. That was incredible.

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