Monday, January 16, 2006

Part 4234

Soundtrack: Arcade Fire / Neighbourhood #2

I fight a lot. I fight me, you and everyone we know. I think there's a title in that. Back and forth. Forever. I fight the fact that I was born to fight. I fight the fact that nothing was ever handed to me on a platter and GOOD, BETTER, and I was told when I was a 14 year old asking for five dollars that THAT was how it was going to be. Nothing for you. Back and forth. Forever. You will have to fight for everything.

Somewhere along the way I forgot exactly where to point the fight. So sometimes, like a fire hose held by a lone Fireman, I grab a hold of the fight and spray it helicopter style, drenching those around me with fight fight fight. I didn't mean to, I could've done with more firemen.

Forgive me. I don't. And the fire still burns.

********

I ordered a coffee from the cafe next door and as the Coffee Lady smiled cheekily at me I wondered if she heard me having loud sex a few days before. I blushed and spilled froth on her counter. Freud would've been proud.

********

Fighty flighty fighty McFight. Enlist some more firemen, firemen I might. And if you rub their helmets they will spit in your eye, last night I tried and I cried and I cried, OH YEAH FUCK YES.

Is that too masturbatory Anon? I hope so. The truth is, Truth is a wank.

And occasional silliness, a joy to behold.

********

I rode my bike back. My new bike. My new bike that makes me look like a cool character from Stand By Me. Only a 33 year old one. I stuck a Richmond sticker on it because that's the only sticker I got and because the football excites me. When I ride my bike alone, I do it fast and feel living tickle my face, and I smile a lot and do that thing where you are on the edge of tears you are so alive. And every tree I call my friend, because some of them resemble people I know.

Mostly I smile at people I pass, but sometimes I do that thing where you just look forward as though on a mission.

********

I'm not nervous about seeing someone, or someone seeing me I should say. I'm impatient. I'm impatient because I know the first time they have to ask you all these standard questions and no, I've never had suicidal thoughts. Quite the opposite in fact. I've always wanted to live forever and ever until the end of time and get rich and live in a house like Christopher Lambert does in Highlander. Selling antiques that I have kept through the ages. Watching the Human Race explore space, if we make it that far. I hope we do. Why would I want to die?

That probably means I want to die. Psychology is like a Reverse Card in Uno. It doesn't make the game go faster, just sets you on a different path.

********

To you, I might be odd. But to me, I'm as real as they come.

15 comments:

  1. Can't you be both? Odd, and as real as they come? People who aren't odd, probably aren't too real either.

    Keep up the good fight kiddo. You've got a heap of back up.

    Dxxxx

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  2. odd and real aren't mutually exclusive, as dxxxx said.

    i like this post much better than yesterday's or was it the day before?

    the one that has gone.

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  3. No, you're right they're not. It just came out as a sentence to end on. And also because someone called me odd.

    In a nice way though.

    The one that has moved made someone else shitty too. Ah well, I like being incredibly strange sometimes. The people that I made it for liked it, sorry if no-one else did, but sometimes I have a silly streak and bugger the audience you know?

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  4. Gotta love the Ring Ring!!

    It's been far too long between rings, I say!

    Dxxxx

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  5. love me some uno wisdom. it's in the cards.

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  6. other other other other mattJanuary 18, 2006 at 4:58 AM

    Odd? Yes, I guess you are. You're different to most people, with what you share, what you think, feel and what not. Maybe that's one of oddities about you, you share your strange self with us. You're a/have a beautiful soul sherriff, I'm glad you let us see it.


    P.S. Loved the ring ring.

    P.P.S. What was all the 'more independent' talk before. I don't think we have these expectations of you. I know this little puppy doesn't.

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  7. no that's fine. as you were. (now who's the sherriff?)

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  8. the other post made me laugh, and i thought it was so smart. it gave me a thrill but it was ugly.

    this one is simply beautiful.

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  9. other other other matt?

    That's a whole lotta others.

    Unless you mean the "other" in which case I'll take half a gram please.

    That "more independent" talk was just me looking back over the last year and seeing that my happiness revolved too much around what others thought. Not so much people that read this blog, just people around me. It was a case me taking charge of my destiny more than anything else.

    There are so many anonymous commenters on this blog I nevcer know which is which or if they are the same one or not. Who is the Sherriff? He is me, mattyb.

    Thanks y'all for sticking up for the ring ring. It had been so fucking long.

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  10. other other other other mattJanuary 18, 2006 at 10:01 PM

    Oh! In that case yeah, I insist you be more fucking independent. ☺

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  11. I liked the ring ring.

    I like all your posts actually, and I'm not the sort of person who runs around madly writing comments like this on blogs. I write very few comments, to be honest. And if I give praise, it's genuine.

    Many of us have walked in similar shoes to you, Sherriff. I guess not all of us have blogged about it as often or as well.

    BTW, do you dream about fighting? I do, all the time.

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  12. You know Matty, I stumbled across a quote the other day and I immediately thought of you.

    "I saw your very soul naked, stark naked... I suffered the pangs of disillusionment; I saw a man in torment struggling towards inward harmony... Forgive me, I cannot feel in halves."

    Let's never feel in halves. Love to you. Let's have a bootylicious Saturday x

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  13. wow, i only wish i had your way with words to express my inner states. brilliant.

    bravo you for having another go at finding someone to referee the battles with your inner demons.

    hope this one works for you - keep in mind headshrinkers are like any other person you meet in the world - you either click with them or you don't. if you don't, move on and try another. it's pretty exhausting sitting down in front of a stranger pouring out your history yet again but when you do find someone who works for you, it can be magic.

    good luck.

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  14. the last comment meant that i was amused that you reacted to the masturbatory comment. so i said, "as you were" (who's the sherriff now?) as if i'm the boss of you. ha di ha. but you didn't get the joke.

    doesn't matter. i can chuckle to myself. nice shorts by the way.

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