Monday, January 23, 2006

Part 4236

Friends Episode: The one where it's not as literary as Chandler would've liked, but they all feel just a little bit better at the end.

Toxic smoke, my ever giving friend, I thought and drew back with glee. Drew back and drew back until my fingers were burning and blistering and black. I thought, fuck man, all this Point and Click, synaptic collapse, draw and redraw...it's important, but ultimately, it is pointless and yawn yawn, time for bed, call me when you're done.

So I called myself.

Because I was done.

Don't worry, it's not another Ring Ring.

********

When the head doctor said to me, tell me about your mum and step dad and so I did, he took stock for the only time in the appointment. Did you pursue him, he asked? Didn't you want to press charges? Surely the forensic report...

It was my turn to interrrupt but instead I lay back a little and stopped fidgeting. You can smoke in here if you like, he said. And I motherfucking did.

Well mister, drawback-exhale-drawback-exhale, I thought about it for a few weeks you know. And eventually, I came to the conclusion that I would just leave it all behind, move on, forgive him and be the bigger man. If she loved him, then so did I...so no, I never pursued it.

There's a danger in over-rationalising things B, not that he called me B. It's a beautiful concept, this ideal of forgiveness and love, but if it's not entirely based on truth, then you could find that you still harbour deep resentment, that you have had no CLOSURE.

I understand Doc. But I still want to evolve into an all forgiving, all loving being, and if that means taking some time to digest it all, then that's the path I want to travel.

That's your trip, he said. I applaud you. I don't think I could do that.

********

I've tried to forgive everyone who has ever made a mistake, or done wrong by me. Except for me. I've always held the hand and dusted the back of friends and family who have fucked up. My sister kept stealing things from me and pawning them for smack. My beloved Xbox! So I thought, well, I should probably spend more time outside anyway. I love her.

But when it comes to forgiving myself, survey says NO.

Maybe it's the kinky streak in me. Spank me baby, hard and hot.

********

I laughed at dual analogies this morning.

I spent three hours trying to fix this here computer brain.

I walked around the site of the Big Day Out, all barbed wire and security fencing, trying to find a way in.

Got the first one sorted, the second looks daunting.

********

I got all concerned about the image I project, writing like this. I thought, it's not so attractive. It's not as funny as X. It's a bullshit journal and it's ghey. Except, I didn't really. I remembered one little thing that is helping me today. Courage is helpful, being open is an extremely difficult thing for people to do, especially on here, the Land of Anonymity. Being honest about who I am doesn't faze me anymore, I don't have to be anyone but me. And whoever can dig it, well they can probably relate or we can probably be friends. I don't have to be friends with someone who I can't relate to. Or I admire but find it hard to approach. I can just be the centre of myself and whoever sticks close obviously likes it here.

That's one of the points I get stuck on, trying to project things I am not. Rather than just B-ing. There's proof of that on another website, but I won't say where.

Starsign today: (Now I'm really gheying out...) Stepping back from a projected image takes courage today, but the payoff is the relief of being who you really are.

Well fuck me.

********

Starsign today: Venus right now is effectively causing you to pull out each kitchen cabinet and deal with the mess that lies behind it. In the short term, this is seriously compromising your ability to cook with confidence. It is, though, going to eventually ensure that every part of your world is squeaky clean. Be glad of what you are discovering. All will soon be back in place, better than before.

Jonathan Cainer, though your surname and I have issues...may I fellate you?

********

I'm not particularly happy about what's been happening in and around me, but I have read Machiavelli's Handbook to Hustling. And troubled little Italian man that he was, maybe he had some sort of wisdom tucked in his warped uh-oh-spaghetti-oh Public Servant brain.

So maybe the end will justify all this shit. I means it.

Know so, don't hope so.

6 comments:

  1. Don't worry what they say, or think. It's better to be yourself, Ring Rings, Ghey and all. We like it that way.

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  2. Its hard to write the truth, its also hard to try and write what you think others want to read.

    Sigh

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  3. you're awfully pretty in blue, sherriff. all the deeper shades suit you, which is what your mind doctor told you.

    that's better than luck-- it's charm.

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  4. hey blue eyes. we like them when they sparkle. and they do. i've seen it.
    TROUBLE.
    thanks for reading me my stars. how appropriate.

    you are so ghey, you love jonathan.

    x

    ReplyDelete