Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Part 4238

Soundtrack: Shout Out Louds / Very Loud

And I wanna build it high for you
But the cost like other costs I can't afford you
But I always take the wrong way
This is why this love can't stay

And I wanna change, change the way we always have
And to make different plans and try not to make desire
But I always choose another way
This is why this love can't stay

Little by little
You gonna hear me cry (Hear me cry)
Why

But I wanna smell, smell the way you do
And to wear those clothes, the clothes your friends do
But I always choose another way
This is why this love can stay

Little by little
You gonna hear me cry (Hear me cry)
Why?
And I know that it started somewhere
And I really like it now, Yes I really like it now
I Like it now

I got a plan
A plan to get us out of here
If we only can use your money we can definatly get get out of here
But I always screw it up someway
This is why this love can stay

Little by little
You gonna hear me cry (Hear me cry)
Why?
And I know that it started somewhere
And I really like it now, Yes I really like it now
Like it now

And we know it started yet, it started right there
And you were very loud yes you were very loud
But I really like that, very loud, like that yeah you were very loud

********

I speak to my fictional friend.

You were beating up on yourself way too much last week. Mister, I have seen you achieve so much and be so happy. You seem to have forgotten about all that lately, as though you're never going to find your way again. It's stooopid eh! Go easy! Remember who you are!

Haha, I know. I was being pretty harsh, but I was facing parts of myself that I didn't care for, that I wanted to change. I couldn't see any other way other than to be harsh. I had to be angry at myself in order to face them...I had to hate those parts...didn't I?

Hate is a strong word. If things aren't going well, do you think an emotion like Hate is going to fix things? Or do you think that there lies more power in the emotion of love, in the ocean of peace? Think my Jedi friend, Hate breeds upon itself, especially self hate, whereas to Love....aaaaah, to Love is to heal and grow.

And to err is human right?

And to be human and to err...well, these are beautiful fucking things. They make us, make YOU REAL BABY.

We stop talking for a moment and drink the cold beer in front of us.

********

People can look at a situation from the outside and cast judgment. This is what people do, this is what I do, like it or not. But Love teaches us not only to never judge, but also never to believe just what is on the outside of things. Click click turn the cube around, investigate, try it from all angles, smell it, taste it, touch it. Find the essence of something before allowing it to be judged. I believe in the essence of things. Though when I am emotional I tend to forget my own wisdom. Haha, no fucking shit.

********

I pick up my pot and have a long, languid sip.

Everyone has a fucking agenda I feel. I feel like, for the last year and a half, there has always been some fucking obstacle, some fucking agenda running things, like I could never relax and just loosen my muscles and enjoy it for what it is. Drama here, finger pointing there, booze blurring everything and tears wiping away any happy memories. But I believe! I BELIEVE! I HAVE NOT SURRENDERED. Not from fear of losing, not from any negative emotion, but from faith and love and belief. These are the emotions that have driven me forward, that have brought me where I am...but what if I am wrong?

Blah blah, what if what if? What if the fucking sky falls down? Living like that is boring.

Yeah, so is living in my fucking head at the moment. Beer?

Please.

I drink and sigh. I want to get this right before I move on. I want to feel as though I have done the right thing, but maybe that is impossible now. Too late. Maybe It's a square peg situation.

I can't help you, I can't tell you what is right. All I can tell you is that you're smart and your soul is strong and I have seen Love in you like I have never seen. And I have seen you Love like you have never loved. It's just...well, you're still a shithouse fucking drinker.

Yeah. I know I am.

But don't let that define who you are. You fuckers, five years ago you were far worse than what you are now and somehow you managed to start a nationwide fucking successful magazine...and you were on drugs the whole fucking time! Now? If you're sorting yourself out now...I can't imagine the sort of shit you will achieve. It scares me actually. In a mate's way...

But. But. I'll miss...

I know brother, I know... you always will. It's okay to.

But I don't want to. It's so close. It's SO CLOSE. I showed that I could do it!

Like I said, I wish I could help you. All I can tell you is that, your friends are close, and you are a good fucking guy. I fucking love you anyway.

Cold comfort right now, but comfort all the same.

********

To feel emotion or not to feel emotion. This is the question that I already know the answer to.

Someone gave me good advice on this blog, it was to just CALM THE FUCK DOWN. But what if I can't? What if intensity is my thing and that's how I live and that's how I work and that's how I fuck and that is HOW I LOVE.

What if calming the fuck down is like an emotional valium? I don't want to live a medicated life. I have too much faith and respect for the beauty in Rock n' Roll. The Fire, the passion and the blind tumultuous emotion.

I want to live in a beautiful green valley with a wife and a baby. But I want to get there on my own terms.

And I want to do it surrounded by people that understand me, and why I am the way I am.

And love me all the same.

********

And the rain outside continues to serenade us.



1 comment:

  1. Calming the fuck down. Now then. Hmm. I need a moment to ponder. Reflect. I have calmed the fuck down. Yes. I most definitely have. The place I was at was impossible to maintain. I would likely be dead out of ill-health or a moment of personal weakness if I'd've kept that up for another couple of years. Neither of which were how I wanted to go. Sure, a blazing trail of glory, bodies spewn in my wake, broken and forgotten. It sounds fun, but it's not. That's not how I wanted go at all. Destroying everyone I met. No sir-e-bob.

    So to calm the fuck down was my only option. I am still at 80mph, but I'm no longer doing the tonne.

    It works. It's still fun. It's a bloody hoot actually. It's not nearly as much fun as being the speed freak I was, but my head is better, and so is my heart.

    Give it a try. Just calm the fuck down.

    Ali x

    ReplyDelete