Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Part 4239: Epilogue.

Soundtrack: Swervedriver / Last Train to Satansville

In the last few weeks I have stared deep, life affirming change in the eye, and the choice was really No Choice. There was one path to happiness, one path to Truth, one path to making everything okay in the world. The forest grew thick on the edges of that path, dark tangled branches casting shadows over the future. But my guide and my map both asway my fears and assure me that on the other side is a meadow, a clearing, a sun dappled paradise where I may find peace. Where I could lie on the grass and smell and smile and giggle and explore. It is there, just ahead, we can see it, we will be there with you they said, just keep going, straight down there. Keep your eyes on the road and you will not waver, nor fail, and the enticing allure of the green, green grass will call you home.

Call you home.

As soon as I took my first step, I tripped. Tripped on a lich encrusted root that had no intention of letting me go any further. That had its evil way upon my feet and rustled its leaves its brown rotten leaves, mocking me and laughing at me. But, although I was scared, I stood up again and remembered the words of my guide and hitching my pack, took another one step two step three step down the path. I would have faith and I would hold in my heart strength and courage and warmth and determination. I would make it. I would make it.

I smiled, not a lot, just a little, at the thought of what lay ahead.

And finding my rhythm I began to feel a small amount of confidence. This guide, this map, they hadn't always been reliable, but I still trusted them, especially now. I trusted them now more than ever, and I needed to believe what they told me was true. So each step I took from then on was filled with purpose, and each time a branch reached close I sucked in the cold air and counted to ten and let it scratch my face, but that was all...just a scratch.

And a scratch would not hold me down nor block my way forward.

Further into the dark, nowhere near the clearing, but a little way in and the voice of my guide deserts me. And I reach for my map and I'm sure it was right there, but it has gone, disappeared, and without it the path looks smaller and rockier and does it fork up ahead? Which way to turn?

And the dark seems to crawl up to me from all angles. And the wind is colder and the bark of the trees no longer resemble faces of my friends, but anonymous faces screeching, fail, fail, fail. We knew that you would fail. We knew this all along. We have told your guide to turn around. And they did, turned and deserted you. We have stolen your map and burnt it. And now, you are what we have known all along. A lost little boy with no place to call home and no idea which way to turn. We have you. Finally.

And the first thing to go is this. My conduit to you all. And the second thing to go is my sense of purpose. And my pack falls to my feet. And I am in the rain. And I think, yes...you are right...I WAS always going to fail.

And there is no longer a guardian angel.

And there is no longer even a path. Just mud and dirt and dark and wood and even the moon is too ashamed to show its face, to spread its silver loving light.

So. The Dark.


This is my last ever post on this blog.


I find a cave and crawl within.


I have already shared too much.


In the cave I am too tired to cry, though inside I am burst asunder.


I have given you but one side of me, and that is the side I have always sworn to hide.

From everyone.

But what did I do?

Wrote it all out on the fucking internet for friends and strangers alike to read.


In the cave I crawl embryonic and spread my synaptic tendrils deep into my brain, my heart, my soul, trying to find the Rock within. But it is so cold tonight in the cave. So fucking cold. And already, outside I hear the Pan and the Centaur begin to dance as the news of my demise spreads through the forest.

And yea fucking yea, there is much rejoicing.

That's when I remember.

I've been in this cave before.

I sit up, and the look in my eye starts a fire in the cave.


Who the fuck spreads their shit online for others to sift through, for others to leave Chin Up comments before, when in the world there are far greater hurts, far more demanding issues, than one man's inner journey.

I feel humbled by the size of the challenges that confront US. AS A RACE. Not by one fucking individual's sorrows because they hate themselves, or cannot find their place in the world. I feel compassion for those people and I offer my hand as best I can. But the sickness that is our race is also the sickness that infects us as individuals.




Why can't we let go of these things?


Now there is fire in the cave I see it clearly and I remember how often I have been here but most importantly, I remember that somewhere close by is a WAY OUT. I can't see it right now, can't even guess where it is, but even knowing that it is there is comfort enough. And if I clear my mind and wait just long enough, a hand will reach through and lead me out.

So that is what I do. I sit with the fire reflected in my eye, and I drown out the sound of the victorious Pan and the Cynical Centaur as they dance and drink, I drown them out with the fire, I drown them out with MY fire.

And once before I proved the whole world wrong, and I loved a man who should never have been loved. And I still hold the karma points for that.

So now, I concentrate, and spin the world backwards, and I love the partying wood creatures, and they are shocked and leave me the Hell alone.


Thankyou. Thankyou. I mean it.


The time comes for me to step out of the cave. Every fucking inch of me is screaming in pain. My sense of direction is non existent, but I find the path.

And I don't know which way to turn, and I don't know if I'm walking back the way I came.

But what I do know is, I'm walking again.

And the forest, the forest, the sooner that fucking forest is far behind me and out of sight...the better. Because the very thought of it is enough to send me mad.


And now I know for sure.

Au revoir, Sayonara and Bon Voyage my friends.

Mathew James Barker.



  1. other other other other mattFebruary 1, 2006 at 12:44 AM

    I got dudded with the map too. It's one of those existentialist ones with 'you are here' written all over it. I will miss you matty b.

  2. you have been working up to this for a while.

    good luck.

    no really, good luck.

  3. Mathew James Barker


    I Love You

    Good bye.


  4. As long as a man has friends he is rich, thought henry miller. When the writer had money he spent it on his friends. His generosity was also expressed in his words, which came out overflowing filling thick volumes with pages thin as the bible.

    Thank-you for being so generous. X

  5. You're so beautiful Matty..so eloquent and open.

    I wish you peace and happiness.

    You will be missed.

  6. Shit Matty, dont leave.


  7. Matty

    I'm not quite sure what to say, Thank you for all your honest words on here, Reading your blog has made me want to be a better person.

    Ah, that sounds ghey


  8. Ay up duck. I'm glad I know you outside of here and I don't have to say goodbye forever. xxx Floofins

  9. XXX

    Go wherever your journey takes you, knowing there are many here that don't you know well, but love you anyway.

    And we'll be here if you decide to return.

    Look after you.


  10. Wow. What a finale. Take care. Be well. You are very brave.

  11. bye matty, you're a beautiful person, inside and out. thankyou for sharing with us for so long

    i'll miss you

  12. Bye Sherriff.

    You were my Stuart Smalley, ya bum.

    Love you.

  13. Is this for real? I'm in stage one: denial.
    For you to share what you've shared, makes you very, very brave.
    I hope I can move into acceptance, but I just don't know yet.
    Not Au Revoir, but A Prochaine: I'll see you soon.

  14. *fixes him with an ice cold stare and says "i've been having those dreams again"

    you don't know me. lurking reader.

    admire your courage.

    best of fortunes in yr quest...


  15. All the best... Hope you find what you're looking for and/or outrun what you're running from.

  16. 1) I didn't know your middle name was James.

    2) Quoting Cindy Lauper lyrics seems appropriate here but I shall refrain.

    3) Sometimes the Sherriff has to die. I'm sure it's for the best.

    Draw your own map my friend.

    It's the only one you can count on.

  17. I keep coming back to check in case you've changed your mind :(

    I miss reading your blog.

    I miss you.

  18. ooo

    it got all numbery then it finished. hi and bye omar... hope i'll still see you in the land of the living...


  19. Too many Matthew/Mathew Jameses out there. I know at least three who've left a comment on this page, for example.

    Anyway, you take care of yourself. It's always disappointing when someone we enjoy reading decides to call it a day.

    Although, I noticed you said 'on this blog', so I presume that means you're out there somewhere, under a different alias.

    We'll find you ...