Thursday, May 4, 2006

Once were warriors

I sat under the streetlight, reading the newspaper and eating chips. I wore a green jacket, a scarf and a flatcap. The hood of the jacket was pulled far over my head. I like to hide, I like to disguise.

I like it when you walk past without recognising me. Without small talk and with the, "Hey!"

I sat reading the newspaper when a small black kitten crept up and sat beside me.

Hello, I said.

Hello, the kitten replied.

I scratched her behind the ears. She purred.

Why are you sitting here all alone? the kitten asked.

I...it's what I do, I replied, somedays there's just nowhere for me to go, not even home, so I like to sit outside, reading and smoking and drinking tea. I like to be a part of this world, though it has no idea I exist. I like to be in it, like Norm. Like life.

You're interesting, said the cat, Mind if I sit with you?

Go right ahead muffin, I coined her muffin, I quite like the company.

We sat, I read, she purred.

In the small things, bliss baby, bliss.

********

I have shed my rage. And in its place, mostly happiness, sometimes inexplicable tears, but mostly happiness. I have shed my rage and through sagely wisdom, learned that letting go is impossibly sad and inutterably (unutterably?) beautiful.

So I let go, close my eyes, take a breath, and let it all fall, slide, from my fingers. All the teenage pain, 15 years on, all the mid twenties angst, 6 years on now...I let it go and when I do...

Stupidly

I laugh.

Teehee.

********

To be honest, I'm more self conscious for some reason now, it is harder than I thought, here in Hell. Knowing. Because I never worried about who read this, never cared to hide myself, disguise myself, pull the wool over your eyes, but coming back here, it is a little harder to totally let go. I think I need a few more posts, to you know, get back into the schwing. To forget that you exist and to just write write right.

********

I run my hand along the length of her tail and she curls into me and I feel her breathe on my neck.

Don't fear, she's just a cat. A tiny beautiful black cat.

Stay, I say. Let's get to know each other.

She purrs, like cats do. And jumps off my leg and down the street haunchy and sweet...like cats do.

I'll be back, I hear her cry. Her violin sweet voice echoing in the lane. But not yet. You're not ready yet.

Not ready for what? I shout...

But there is no answer yet,

what am I not ready for?

2 comments:

  1. it's unutterably.

    and this was unutterably beautiful.

    you ARE ready. just keep doing it.

    jam

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  2. you're back! I didn't know. I clicked on Hell thinking Dell and it took me here...funny cause I just went for a walk in the rain and there was a little black cat curled up on the green velvet chair next door, and she blinked at me a greeting.

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