Monday, May 1, 2006

There and Back Again. [not The Hobbit]

G'day.

I missed these surrounds this font this background you anonymous kids my confidence my own personal fucking Hell.

So I'm back, and I'm stronger and I'm ready to write.

I'm ready to be open and honest and not so cryptic 'cepting where it counts, and I'm hoping my sentences come back, my analogies work and my rampant pedantic semantics flow slow like red hot lava down the fucking rock hard slopes of the page.

It feels good.

I read it all back, like a diary. I feel every whip welt of self-flagellation and congratulation and attempted motivation. I read it back and do not weep and do not smile or laugh, just take it all in and drink it all up (ha) and grow dizzy from the knowledge and the god awful memories.

Last night I said, there's just no room for a guy like me, and the answer was two nods. One to agree and one to fall asleep. A two nod response. That's all a guy needs.

I read it all back and realised just how much control I have over my environment, except, if I was out of control, then so was it. And now, with my feet firmly on the ground, and they are, I begin to project a runway in front of myself, and get ready to take off.

Pretty fly for a dead guy huh.

There are nights when I am alone when I search my mind for what it is I dream of, what it is I need to hang on to. What it is I fucking want. And most often, it's too busy in there to nail one thing down, most nights, it's too difficult to find the zen place where priorities and reality and fantasia are seperate enough to make a clear cut decision. But every now and again, I'm clear as sill, and I squeeze the black out and what remains is my heart and my soul, there to offer, if anyone wants to receive it.

I get an engaged signal. Try again later.

I do not have a subtance abuse problem, I have an emotional control problem, I have a problem with my heart and the hearts of others. My outlook on the world and the outlook of others. What I believe is right and the need to force that upon others. THAT is the heart of my problem, THAT is what I learn from talking to an objective outsider, a sage. If the outside world does not fit into my own personal view of what it should be, do not rage against it, state your peace.

Then find your peace, and see what remains.

Since I have been gone from this place, locked in a Hotel Room at the Tijuana, that is the lesson I have learned. Your world is your world, and mine is mine. And what joy to find two worlds do not collide, but merge. But if they cannot, then ce fucking sera, you're a square and I'm a triangle and boo hoo life hurts but fuck, the earth is a molecule and so I am but...me. Flawed creation of a chaotic universe.

I list my pros and cons and come out on top. I very carefully extract my ego from my id. I seperate my heart from my soul from my youngest child me me me.

And I decide, nothing. Just crank the music and dance like a fucko.

6 comments:

  1. Whatever gets you through the night, brother

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  2. It makes me happy that you were my first.

    And kind of grosses me out too.

    x

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  3. Is there a classy way to say sloppy seconds?

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  4. One in, all in, I say!

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