Wednesday, June 21, 2006

A Wednesday Night in June

First read this:

I still knew, as I had a child, that there was something strange about myself. I felt as if I were destined to be a murderer, a bank robber, a saint, a rapist, a monk, a hermit.

Oh fuck me, FUCK ME.

********

I don't want to repeat myself but I can't help it.
I'm drowning
in words,
they're surrounding me,
enveloping me.

Tonight, I
thought I'd keep my own company.
Thought I'd
sit in my favourite stool
eating my favourite food:

words.

And pasta and wine.

Fuck.

And outside, no lie
the twos and threes really did
stare at me as though
a freakshow
a one man band
a who the fuck would bother

sitting alone,
his food inside,

my book meantime
kept my seat warm with my phone

[who is this Henry or Bret? (EGO)]

and I've already written but I'll write it again...

the waitress eyed my paper not me
eyed my plates
caressed
touched
stole my virginity
my bowl

and outside, I thought:

[I HATE THE SYSTEM]

but without it is there still Veal Ragu?

or

is eating alone a FUCK YOU to the system?

And I can't revolutionise on my own eating at a restaurant
so
all I can think is
when two people walk past and stare at a guy
who dares eat alone,
me,
that's my fuck you.

That's my revolution.

How fucking lame am I.

In the window a guy ate with his young son. I sat next to him as he ordered, his ignorance paining me. He barked at the owner, THE FISH? FISH OF THE DAY? IS IT BATTERED? I SAID CASCADE LIGHT.

Class comes quietly.

Of course sir, Light.

And later, when I sat outside smoking.
I caught the eye of the son.

And we thought:

[ i am you and you are me and we are...]

'cept i'm guessing he was more Linkin Park than Beatles. So maybe I was wrong, though his eyes said what we all said when sat by an obnoxious parent.

********

I'm drowning in words, they're seducing me, burning me, teasing me. I need to live a thousand lives to find the words, I need to live a thousand lives to find the expression, but I've got one foot of wax, life, and it's burning.

So I open the valve and let the blood run free.




7 comments:

  1. good for you. eat alone revolution. reminds me of the woman who forced herself to do it, without a book. nothing. just a woman eating alone, in a good restaurant, ignoring the stares of people feeling sorry for her. no need to feel sorry, it can be freeing thing.

    viva la revolucion.

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  2. i have never had a problem eating alone in restaurants. i like it. i like to not have to make conversation, to not have to do anything other than eat, or read the paper, or both.

    you worry too much what people are thinking about you.

    about 20 more years will fix that, young man. maybe less.



    jam

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  3. I'd rather a fucked system and veal ragu than no veal ragu.

    Is that wrong?

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  4. Eating alone is like masturbating.... it has its own unique pleasures but misses out on others..

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  5. but masturbating doesn't completely rule out fucking. why not enjoy both? doesn't have to be a mutually exclusive pleasure choice.

    jam

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  6. I like going to the pictures alone..

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  7. Going to the pictures alone is a fantastic pleasure. As is eating alone. You go young man!

    ReplyDelete