Monday, July 24, 2006

The end of all that ending.

I wish I could write it all down.
Start to finish.
Maybe that would help.

But I won't.
I'll leave the story
for those who live it.

********

When you're down, over a period of time, each day starts with a decision. Do I continue to wallow in and examine the pain, or do I try to let go of it all and just get on with my shit.

Or do I get drunk.
Just one, can't hurt,
makes it stop,
makes me laugh and flirt
and
OUCH
there it is.

I remember a time - a life ago, just one - when I could write of such joy. I miss it. And it's not like the world has ended, or I have lost my family as I once did, pain pain you want to know PAIN? It's more insidious than that. It's a slow burning ache, a malaise, a sad, such a sad.

Someone I love and respect said to me yesterday, you have a facade like no one I have ever met. And it's true, I do, though I know someone else who has one too. My facade is mattyb, you can meet him at the pub, or at breakfast...ha...that's about where'll you'll find him lately. In fact, my facade is everywhere and all times, except here on this page.

Or is it?
That's me too.
This is me too.
And it's the gap between,
which is impossible to fill.

Last night I gave a stranger this address. Hello stranger. And I remember whirlwind and jager and facade and now I'm not so sure I want to ever give out this address, like I want more people to know this shit. Right.

So what I'm going to try to do, is stop myself from writing like this anymore.

I'll go and seek adventures, and moments. I'll keep the self indulgent pity to myself, for when I am alone, and I'll follow in the footsteps of a dear crazy blonde goat and get out amongst it.

That's what I'll do.
Get amongst it.
That's right.
Affirmation.

Start each day with an affirmation.

********

Today I'm going to play basketball and go out to dinner.

And I want to go to the drive-in. Maybe Thursday.

Start with the little things. Let go of the big things.

Got it.

5 comments:

  1. getting out of bed needs a round of applause
    x

    ReplyDelete
  2. no affirmations required mattyb.
    just remember the what the b stands for??

    ReplyDelete
  3. hey dont stop writing
    your sad malaise is well written and inspiringly human.
    everytime i mosey (?) over to this corale (?) -which is infrequent at best - i am captured by your writing and end up reading a whole bunch of shit.
    winter is almost over.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I hate this for some reason but:

    bonkers. I'm pretty sure someone told me it stood for bonkers.

    and

    Inspiringly human? That's a wonderful thing to say to someone.

    ReplyDelete