Thursday, September 28, 2006

No more cryptic & cross words

You're at your best when you're just honest, says Kelly, none of this cowboy shit.

And then backpedals, not that that isn't good! But...just be you, be honest, tell the story.

Everyone feels it, everyone knows what it's like. You don't have to hide from it.

And you say it well.

********

Tell the story huh. No more cowboys.

********

Man, I lost control.

I know.

Man, I just couldn't fucking be bothered being in pain anymore you know? I just looked back and it all seemed like some fucking never ending torture and I thought FUCK IT ALL.

Tell the story, I mean the now story, not the whole thing, you've already told the whole thing.

First, I wanna say the words.

Are you sure?

I think so, I think I'm at my best when I'm honest, so I'm going to say the words.

Good luck.

Right.

Breathe.

This entire blog was created and has been maintained for one express purpose.

Breathe.

Read it. It's a twisted love story, it's a tale of heartbreak, it's a fucking step by step account of my heart breaking then healing then breaking, time and time again. It's a story of my love for one woman, and the ridiculous amount of pain that existed between us. My fault, her fault, all that is gone. There just remains these words and these pages and this blog. It has never been about me, it has always been about it.

Shit.

Some posts were written after I got stupidly drunk and fucked shit wide open. Some were written when she was confused by other men and I could not stand it. And for months there have been posts of differing emotion, as it fades behind us, and is sometimes coloured beautiful rose red and other times boiling heat and inferno crimson.

SHIT.

So this is my blog, and I name it Hell.

Woah.

********

Is that the wrong thing to do? I don't know. But I have been asked to print out this whole thing and get it to a publisher and when I thought of that I had to think of what the Hell this blog really was, and that's the truth. And in that light, the cowboys did seem a little silly, though mostly I was writing with them to protect others, and still express myself.

But really, I have always written straight from the heart and that is what I should do. Without prejudice, without sadness or spite, just my own subjective truth.

********

After we broke up for the final time, I did all the things. I got drunk, I had a threesome, I gave a girl in a cafe flowers and asked her on a date. She said yes. A week later I was to be asked to never see her again. I was okay with that, it felt like I had jumped from a plane and landed on my feet. I felt tough, sad and a little defeated, but tough enough.

I found out the girl I loved had started to see someone. I don't know why it hurt so much, but it did. It hurt like every fingernail and every toenail and each eye and my genitals and my heart and my very soul were all fish hooked and gaffed and torn from their moorings in my body.

No shit, I'm not the only one to feel like this. I hope it doesn't come across that way.

So what exactly does a crazy boy do in a situation like this?

He decides to get married to a beautiful sad girl who also has a broken heart. We met, we talked, we cried, we believed. And we set a date and saw a future where no one could hurt us.

A little extreme perhaps. Some people have coined it insanity, others have hugged and said, you crazy kid we understand. But that's what we decided to do.

Of course, as the time passed (there are no metaphors in these truths, have you noticed?) the reality shone and the bubble burst and my feelings returned but it seemed morre extreme than before. And it was, because I had not dealt with them, merely hidden them behind new romance and alcohol and worse, and here I struggle, I hid Love behind a Fuck You mentality because if I did not, then I was stuck with a deep and never ending grief. And where to with grief?

Where to with grief.

I decided where to. I decided to try and face it alone. No friends, no romance, no alcohol. Nothing. I decided if I could sit in my room and face it, feel it, I would end up controlling it, and it would finally pass and I could move on and everything would be fine.

Hindsight is 20/20 vision, but perhaps I should have leant on my friends a little during this time.

Look on that chair. There sits a boy who would be man, he does not move save to light and ash his cigarettes. His brown mop covers his eyes and his dirty shoes stay flat on the ground to anchor his wheeling office chair to the polished floorboards below. But on the inside:

On the inside there is steel fire blood tears sweat remorse guilt sorrow pain revenge respite a cavern a cave an abyss THE TRUTH the fear the doubt the ache the weariness...

In the end, I faced my demons and I must admit, they won the battle.

It's a terrible sad ending, but an ending all the same.

But at least the end of the end is the beginning of the beginning.

********

Is that right? Is it right to say these things here?

Haven't I always tried to say these realities here?

There is only one person who can answer that and they will not.

********

If any of you saw me crazy, angry and drunk, I sincerely apologise. Sometimes the demons take hold, and though I can only hope to one day defeat them forever, I am still in the midst of battle. I am sorry.

********

In the past, there are only shadows and ghosts, haunting us if we let them.

In the future, there is hope and light for every single one of us.

*presses play*

Hit it Ron...

I know it doesn't seem that way
But maybe it's the perfect day
Even though the bills are piling
Maybe Lady Luck ain't smiling

But if we only open our eyes
We'd see the blessings in disguise
That all the rain clouds are fountains
Though our troubles seem like mountains

There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills
So don't lose heart
Give the day a chance to start

Every now and then life says:
Where do you think you're going so fast?
We're apt to think it's cruel, but sometimes
It's a case of cruel to be kind

And if we get up off our knees
Why then we'd see the forest for the trees
and we'd see the new sun rising
Over the hills and horizon

There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills
So don't lose faith
Give the world a chance to say:

A word or two, my friend
There's no telling how the day might end
We'll never know until we see

That there's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills
So don't lose heart
Give the day a chance to start

There's gold in them hills
There's gold in them hills

4 comments:

  1. John Lennon Said "Gimme Some Truth", I think you just did.

    Well done sunshine.

    x
    x
    x
    See you tomorrow

    ReplyDelete
  2. "I bear a weight of terrors, and dark hosts
    Of phantoms haunt my steps and seem to lead.
    I walk, compelled, behind these beckoning ghosts
    Down sliding roads and under skies that bleed.

    Is ours so strange an act, so full of shame?
    Explain the terrors that disturb my bliss.
    When you say, Love, I tremble at the name;
    And yet my mouth is thirsty for your kiss."

    --Charles Baudelaire


    This poem is about famous historical lesbians, but I trust that you catch the drift. There's no shame in love, sunshine.

    ReplyDelete