Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Church of Halcyonology

When I get up in the morning I do 50 push ups, then shower and cover myself in baby powder. I slide into tight black jeans and dirty sneakers. This is my uniform. If it is warm I leave my top off and every now and again surprise myself still by catching a glimpse of my tattoo. I walk onto the deck in my backyard and read the newspaper with a cigarette and a strong coffee. If today I am not wharfing, designing, bartending, painting, writing or DJing, I consider it a good day and have learned to be able to relax when I can. I drawback smoke and tilt my head back so the sunlight makes me feel like I do just before I kiss someone and begin to drift...


Mark leans forward and stabs the air with two fingers, like a gun. Man, when I first met you, I thought you were a cunt. I thought, who the fuck does this guy think he is? And now, NOW YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ME. Jesus Christ, you are a fucking guru.

A guru?

A guru. Let me remind you. Months ago, you met my best friend Sylvia. You were working behind the bar and you gave her a shot of jagermeister. Here we fucking go, I thought.

Mark begins to grow more frantic, more animated, and his hands go from guns to Brother Lee Love from the Kenny Everitt Video Show. Brother! Brother! Brother Lee Love! Directing the traffic in his one way street monologue.

Here we fucking go. Look at this fucking sleaze...and then when you finished, you sat down at the end of the bar and lit a cigarette and what the fuck does Sylvia do? Buys you a shot and sends it over to you! I said to her, what are you doing? You don't have to do that you know. It's only polite, she told me. Fucking HELL. THEN! THEN! You fucking walk over and, this still blows my mind, you walk over and say, does this mean we're going to make out later? WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT? And now I'm thinking, this guy is a fucking DICKHEAD. And I know Sylvia, boys throw themselves at her all the time, and I'm actually looking forward to the moment when you get shot down, that exact moment, waiting for you to turn tail and run. And all of a sudden you're sitting next to her and I'm fucking astounded and you're talking about writing and you're talking about breakups and I'm thinking, this guy has all the fucking moves, SHOOT HIM DOWN, SHOOT HIM DOWN, and then YOU GO AND TOUCH HER LEG, just briefly but you fucking touch her leg and then the barmaid comes up to me and says something inane, I can't remember, and when I am talking back to her she looks beside me and starts to laugh and I turn thinking maybe she's thrown a drink on you or something and you're actually making the fuck out. Like that.
And this goes on for about twenty minutes until all of a sudden you stand up, put your jacket on, and walk straight out the door, without even saying goodbye. Sylvia's laughing and my jaw is on the ground and I'm thinking this guy is either the sleaziest fuckwit I have ever seen or without a doubt an absolute guru.

Oh, I remember you now, I reply. I'm neither, I think I was just in a good mood that day. And she had beautiful eyes. And I'm no guru sir, though I believe no fuckwit either. I am just a very strange, complicated young man with a cheeky smile.

And then, I pinch him on the bum, pick up my jacket and keep walking in the direction of home.


The SEARCH for the meaning of Life is a little far away today, but the meaning itself is very close. I know because there are many things that I could upset myself with, and do not. And there are escape routes all around me, and I take none. Instead I read Martin Amis and make home made pizza, goats cheese, prosciutto, semi dried tomatoes...I was going to put some figs on top, as an experiment, but I eat them all instead while I wait for the simple little pizza to cook. Instead of Queens of the Stone Age, I put on Ryan Adams because I don't know his stuff very well and I want to learn more about everything. It's the album, Heartbreaker, I like it. I like how it starts with a conversation about Morrissey. I get a couple of texts from a few different people. They cover the entire emotional spectrum. And I don't answer any today, because today is mine and mine alone. Tomorrow I will give back to the world. But today I...god porn is good, sorry got I want to continue feeling like it's all okay without having to question too much, or without having to explain too much. I just want to feel it, flowing through me. The okayness of everything.

Then my phone rings, and things get a little crazy.


A real life telephone conversation between my friend BB and her father:

Dad, Nick is such a sweetheat, last night he brought me chocolate ice cream, and tim tams and some muffins...

Oh. He must want you to be a fat bitch. Some guys like to fuck fat bitches.



Hope you are well.



  1. so i'm NOT the only one in the world who remembers kenny everitt. boy they were some hands.

    "does this mean we're going to make out later? WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT?"

    you, obviously. love it.

    keep writing please, i adore it.

  2. Should've saved those figs for the pizza, Nigella.

    But yes, you're doing everything right. And the okayness of everything exists somewhere... so they tell me.

  3. Not the only one in the world that can't spell his name either - Everett - not that it matters all that much. I referred to Sheriff with one rrrrrrrr when maybe it should have been two or maybe more who knows. We are all criminals. You didnt invent the monopoly game Ms Fits was on about did you?

    Derek and Clive on Youtube last night, worth it if you havent seen them. fucking cunts. hehe.

    I did call him young, Ms Fits, but then that's kind of nice of me, but then he is younger than me. So not sure how that works out.

    If I dont now write 'ejoru' I dont get to post this little postie. It says it is - word verification - what kind of word is that?

  4. If you're a guru now, does that mean you'll have to start wearing long, flowing pants/caftans and have many, many head kerchiefs? And 42 virgin brides in perpetual repose?

  5. The joke that got Kenny Everett kicked off TV forever....

    First England was an Empire ruled by an Emperor.
    Then it was a Kingdom ruled by a King.
    Now it is a Country ruled by Margaret Thatcher.