Tuesday, October 24, 2006

One type of ambiguity

I go and see another person who knows how to fix stuff. This is good. Because I'm actually fucking READY to be fixed. In more ways than one, perhaps this is not a bad idea. This time, as my friend puts it, there is a certain "oogabooga" to the whole process, but the Fixing Person just has something cool about her, so I sit down and open up to everything. To the process. And boy is it a fucking ride.

She says, there's heroin in your family, isn't there, is it you? I say no. It's no lie. She says, you have sinus troubles when you were young? I say, yeah. When I was five I had an operation. I took my teddy into the operating room. When I woke up, teddy had a bandage on his nose too. She says, now boy, your lungs and pancreas are taking a beating so I'm going to tell you straight up and you're not going to like it. Break this cycle, that's what you better be here to do, break this cycle. Because, like, don't you want to? You look like you want to.

I say, I know Fixing Lady, that's why I'm here.

She's says, Good.

Then we get to work.

She gives it to me straight. I talk to her about love and shit. She gives me straight answers. I like that. I like that a completely objective observer can give straight up fucking answers. We talk about work and creativity and the fact that it's okay to not have a title or to have ten concurrent careers and really the main focus of everything is just to be happy.

I'm digging this.

Then she does kind of kooky energy things and I visualise, and I start to giggle but it's not at the process. It's because I am actually feeling really damn good.



When I'm talking to myself later that day down by the creek, I'm hearing things that perhaps may have made me explode six weeks ago. But now, I just drift with them, I let them feed my new powers. And everytime I take a bite out of what's being said, I gain nourishment from it, and do exactly what the Fixing Lady said, I just look after me. On the inside I mean.



At the internet cafe, I look after all sorts of people online, some strangers because there's no emotional connection, and some who ain't so stranger and yeah kids, highway to oblivion, I'm crazy and so are chicks so look the fuck out.



On Friday I do a pressed ham against the restaurant window because I think the Buck's Night needs some spice. It gets some later. I wake up and do the walk of shame with a stolen book in my hand. On Saturday I make up for everything I did wrong on Friday by DJing with a modicum of sobriety. And on Sunday I almost have a threeway with my ex's husband. Instead, I laugh my fucking ass off.



Back on the creek there ain't nothing to do but sigh.

Hey me, I say.


It's time to start loving you.

What, here? BY THE CREEK?

Yup, here by the creek.

Giggity giggity.

So I do.


  1. Spreading your seed by poor old Merri Creek, young man? Tsk. Won't someone think of the ducks, etc.

  2. I was thinking of the ducks...mmmm...sexy ducks...

  3. i'm glad you gave the book back.