Thursday, October 5, 2006

The Rapture Revisited

...the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...

********

I go walking out in the sun and find myself sitting in a park, eating lunch and reading a book.

That me looks up and shields my eyes with a salute and squint.

There is no need for introductions, just...

Hey.

What's going on?

Okay, at the moment I'm swinging man, I'm a pendulum, I'm Damacles' sword, to and fro...on the one hand I can see, TASTE, the Rapture, you know, I can just cut loose and let it all soar and the freedom's in the walking and the talking and the seeing and the tasting and that's LIVING don't you see and some can call me mad but none can call me crazy because I don't see insanity in soaking in this fucking world while I'm standing on it, I see insanity in mediocrity and patterns, I see insanity in not doing the unexpected, in not being WILD...I see insanity in NOT being insane.

Uh-huh...

and then the pendulum swings and I think I read too much or think too much and the life for me is a fireplace and holding hands, is a tight circle and a happy home, and something REAL, something solid, compromise and sedation and simple fucking pleasures. Apple pie, a cold beer, an early night. Swing swing swing. But the RAPTURE fucko, I mean, it's bigger than big my split personality me, it's so much fucking bigger, and sometimes I feel duty bound to acknowledge it, to REPRESENT it, sometimes I look around me and see naught but plans and dreams and fears, and it all seems so...constricting? Fuck, I don't know...

So what do you want?

What do I WANT? I want it all, and none of it. I thought I wanted a family, and now I just want to walk the earth. I thought I wanted to party, and now I just want to read, I thought I wanted Love, and now I just want to feel whole and complete, within me. Me, a one man fucking micro-universe.

So you want to be God.

Haha, fuck you. Yeah, but I want to be the god of a happier world than this. Ever lay on your bed staring at the ceiling and wondering what God would make the world a place such as this? Fuck Catholicism and its guilt and repentence, I want to be god of a world where we can all find the final answer to the final question, but in this forsaken Hell, the questions just keep on coming.

I throw myself on the grass beside myself, and spread my arms and legs. I make a grass angel on the lawn beneath me and sigh.

Do you want to stop thinking all these things, will that bring you peace?

I have to actually stop and think about that.

No. I think the only way is to follow them to the bitter end, until enlightenment or exhaustion. To infinity and beyond!

At that moment a bumblebee rises before me, hovering, a little yellow and black balloon, busy, busy, busy...and it says,

Goddamn mr existential, you want to sit here and talk gibberish to yourself all day, and on a day like this? They call you B, so be! I may be bumble but I am bee. So you want to discover the meaning of life through philosophy and love, through adventures and catastrophes, through broken dreams and wandering souls and a thousand jobs and thrice that many beers. DO IT. If that's what you want, just do it. And as for your pendulum, well, one thing does not cancel out another my friend, one day of peace does not end your journey, one day's respite is one day's respite, enjoy it! Soak in its luxury, adore its attention, caress its soft skin. Just BE BE BE.

Oh buzz off, I reply, but secretly file the bee's advice, for it tickles me just so.

********

I have never been good at plans. I have been good at ideas, but never plans. If on any given day you ask me, what are you doing, later / tomorrow / next week, I shall more than likely reply, "I don't know!"

Once I worried about this, I thought, I am not well organised, I should make lists, where is my Capricorn,

or worse:

I am not so great a person, if I do not have exciting plans to relay when asked of me.

Oh my, now I see the person to please is me. And it pleases me, this unknown, this what will become of today, it pleases me no end.

********

Tips for making your brain happy and yet a tiny bit confused (see Pendulum above):

Read Carey's Bliss and Kerouac's On the road at the same time.

Tips for making your stomach happy and not at all confused:

File away a secret afternoon in the coming weeks to dine alone at Maisonette in Essendon where you may read both books at your leisure and eat Rack of Lamb even though the weather says Oysters.

3 comments:

  1. And welcome home to you, too, sunshine. You've found your funny. *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
  2. just go with the rapture. there's plenty of time later on for the other more grounded stuff.

    but don't lose the rapture. you just need to have it mostly now, and then a little later on.

    if that makes sense.

    you can only be what you are. don't fight it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. 1 2 3 2 3. 8 3 7. 3 4 3 5 2 2. 1 4 3 5 1. 4 4 6 3.

    ReplyDelete