Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Short and Curlies.

Sentences I actually heard in the Men's change room at the Brunswick Pool yesterday while I was standing there alongside at least 12 Aged Naked Gentlemen.

"I'd bend over backwards to help her"
"It's a real pain in the bottom"
"You've really got to use some elbow grease to get it up there"
"Have you ever sucked another man's cock?"

Okay, so maybe the third one is false, but the other three are true, swears.

********

When I was eleven years old I sat at Middle Park train station a boiling raging hormonal mess. Opposite me and the only other person on the platform was a woman. I honestly cannot remember how old she was, but I'd say early thirties if I had to judge back through 22 years of hedonism clouded memory.

Here's the thing.

And I have no idea why I'm telling you this, other than, I kind of want to take this whole writing thing back to what really matters.

Sex.

So. She sat opposite me and I shived and glanced furtive snickers of lustful thoughts from across the way, and if I had've known my metaphors back then I would have appreciated the train on the opposite platform pulling out and straight into the tunnel past the station, and I guess at that moment my brain had a choice, discover the wonderous nature of writing and metaphors and descriptive prose and think romance and flowers and what could be dear woman if you and I were to tarry no longer and hark your angelic lips doth part like your subtle heavenly flower as moistened, they welcome my brutish yet soft embrace...

Yeah, I was eleven, me brain not think like that what?

Instead, and I just thought of this the other day and wondered at how perverted and weird I actually am...

my brain thought,

I wonder what would happen if I just got up, walked over to her, and asked her to fuck me.

Me. Eleven. Her. Lady.

And I sat there for probably no more than fifteen minutes with this IMMENSE decision weighing upon me and all I could do was drink her in and keep my legs crossed and I knew, I knew, of course I knew that there was no chance, but was there a .000000000000000001 percent of chance that she might be "randy" (11 remember...) and we might just click and and and and...the train came, we got on, crowded, noisy...deflating.

Do you think that's weird?

And I mean, nowadays, I actually just do go up and ask.

And it seems to work most of the time.

Ain't life beautiful.

Circles man, circles.

********

Craig and I have been friends for almost twenty years. In the nineties (AAAAAAARGH),

in the nineties (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH)...

sorry...

In the nin..e....ties...we wer more than best friends, we were known as two inseperable soul brothers. All the cheesy shit, we finished sentences, we knew exactly what the other was thinking with one quick glance, in the band we played in together we consistently fired everyone else because no one knew how to communicate with us. Basically we were impenetrable. I spoke to him the other day, we still have it going on, though as he said to me, "dude, you just fucked off on all these chick adventures and never even said goodbye..."

See, soul brothers.

Anyway about ten years ago we were at a party and had scored some magic mushrooms. This had exactly the effect everyone who knew us, knew that it would. We disappeared into a room together and the rest of the world became non-existent and he and I just talked and talked and talked intense soul shit for hours and hours.

All of a sudden, a few hours into the trip, the door opened and a beautiful..hmm...sexy maybe? girl walked into the room, looked at us, smiled at us both, said nothing, walked out and closed the door behind her.

BANG.

I turned to Craig who turned to me and ne'er two more serious young men have you ever seen in your life. I think, the conversation went something like this. It doesn't matter who is who.

"Well..."

"Yeah..."

"......."

"Well, I didn't think it would be so soon..."

"Yeah I know...and I mean what about the"

"the band.."

"yeah, exactly...the band.."

"But I mean...it's obvious isn't it, I mean she's.."

"she's it, isn't she..."

"yeah...so..."

"man, I'm gonna miss you..."

"yeah man, me too, I really...I really hope..."

"it's okay man, we had a good run...let's just leave it at that...one of us will be happy...and that's the main thing..."

"yeah...happy..."

"Good luck brother"

"Good luck brother"

Our friendship was over. Right then. Because we had both seen the woman of our dreams and only one of us could have her and neither of us were the sort to back down. Such intense little boys....fucking hell.

We actually shook hands, hugged, straightened ourselves up, hair, shoelaces...cracked our necks and walked out into the party to find her.

Down the end of the hall. Look at her. Angelic but devestating. Legs, bottom, lips, eyes. Oh my fucking god...don't turn to look at him, this is your destiny, this is your moment.

And as we walked side by side into the kitchen to find our fate...

we heard her voice...















AWWW YOUSE FUCKING BETTA BELIEVE IT SHITS YA DUNNIT ME FUCKEN ARSE IS ITCHY AS A FUCKING NUN WITH CRABS.

Or something.

Then she turned and spat on the floor.

I have never laughed so hard in my fucking life.

I actually lay on the floor in front of her pointing at her and laughing and screaming, "YOU ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Craig just slumped into the doorjam and put his head in his hands.

We remain, as stated before, the closest of friends.

1 comment:

  1. beautiful. i couldn't wait to see what would happen.

    ReplyDelete