Thursday, October 12, 2006

Tic Tac Toe

The other night I went to Carlton to watch a movie. I was early, so went across the road to eat at Tiamo. It was busy but I got a good table facing the front and an incredibly cute waitress who I swear I know from somewhere. About halfway through my meal I saw the door open and two girls take the seat right next to the front door. It was Jane, my first ever girlfriend from High School, TWENTY YEARS AGO (fuck me) and her sister. I'd recognised her straight away and I was pretty sure she had seen me. I was unshaven and hadn't slept much from the night before when I'd ended up in the company of a lanky rockstar until some ridiculous hour, so I wasn't really feeling that impressive. My shoes were, are, covered in dirt, my hair has grown that little bit too long, from time to time the night before kept dripping from my nostrils...you get the picture. In comparison, she looked like she'd had a nice, happy, peaceful twenty years, and was smiling and laughing and leaning forward in a girly way to share some sisterly secret orsome such. I fininshed my meal, mopping the sauce with bread, drank my beer and began to wonder how the fuck I was going to get out without having to say hello. They were literally right next to the door and also directly across from where the cash register was, meaning they'd get me as I stood there fumbling in my empty pocket anyway. After about fifteen minutes of pointless procrastination, I decided simply to avoid all eye contact and without making it too obvious, walk a little crab like by them so that my back was facing them most of the time.

"OH MY GOD IS THAT MATHEW BARKER?"

And here my friends witness the magic of my technique. All of a sudden as my eyes were blatantly saying, "yeah, I know, you guys, you saw me I saw you blah blah" and I'd already kind of put my hand on her shoulder just out of instinct, my arms began to horizontally gyro flop in different directions, and I did this mexican body wave breakdance move that began in my neck and rolled all the way down to my knees as my voice shrilled into a restaurant piercing shriek, OH MY LORD HOW ARE YOU? that sounded like thirteen demons raping one pure virgin and I swear to god a big white blob of snot flew through the air toward their table and the only thing that was missing was froth in my mouth and they both kind of recoiled backwards into their chairs in horror and so there was my chance to escape and for some reason I waved and said HI!!! as I walked out the door.

The movie was Thankyou for Smoking, it was entertaining if nothing else.

********

Yesterday I told someone that I was basically searching for the meaning of life. And they said, that's a pretty big ambition, or something like that. But you know what? I can't help it. It's what I do. And besides, they laughed at Stephen Hawking when he first spoke about the creation of the physical universe (they also laughed at him when he accidentally tipped backwards in his wheelchair and lay floundering on the floor like a turtle [somebodyhelpme]) and of course I'm not going to find the be all and end all question and answer to everything and everyone, but I'm going to try and find the meaning of life for me. And my pen pal says, as we all know, that we take our insides with us, but sometimes they just manifest themselves in a nicer way in different climes. And that doesn't sound so bad.

I'm a bush baby. I wanna go country.

And in the supermarket, out of the heat, I almost die. But instead, as my insides plead with me to change my mind, and my soul cries a million tears, my brain takes charge, and I take one step closer to becoming a man.

The only part I wish I didn't have to admit is, I know I have to do it all alone.

********

New word invented by me: Dildonic.

ie: That Guiness Tap / Cucumber / Crown Lager bottle is quite dildonic don't you think?

5 comments:

  1. 1. what did you eat at tiamo's?

    2. if you're not trying to work out the meaning of life, then what are you MEANT to be doing? i mean, jeezus.

    3. i think someone beat you to it.
    http://www.digitalintimacy.com/dildo/

    i've read about this stuff recently, but i think i prefer your application of the term.

    ReplyDelete
  2. you know it's really embarrassing to just leave my comment here, alone and lonely.

    just delete it if you can't be bothered responding to it.

    otherwise SAY SOMETHING.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hahaha, SORRY, I am only ever on really quickily to write and then fuck off again, but I have noticed you sitting here all alone on a few posts. WHAT'S WITH THAT.

    HI!!!! COME BAAAAAAACK.

    ReplyDelete
  4. it's ok. i'm back. i'm used to being johnny no mates sometimes. it's like people can smell my breath from here.

    ha.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I dub thee, Stinky Mouth No Mates.

    Surely, you have never had a finer nickname...

    ReplyDelete