Thursday, November 2, 2006

Bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you boy?

Conversation yesterday:

Hey, there's a big pirate ship down at the docks!

What do you mean a pirate ship?

A BIG PIRATE SHIP. It's really cool.

What's it doing?

It's just sitting there. But normally it goes and rams ships.

It rams ships?

Yeah, it rams ships it doesn't like.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

It means it chases ships it doesn't like...and rams them.

Hahahaha, why do that for? What ships doesn't it like?

You know, like whaling ships and stuff.

Aaaah, I see. That is totally fucking cool. Does it have a skull and crossbones?

Yep.

Fuck yeah, I'm digging on this ship...

And it's painted TOTALLY BLACK.

FUCK YEAH! But hang on, if it's an old pirate ship, wouldn't it just hurt itself more if it rammed whaling ships?

Nup. It's like MASSIVE. A big , fuck off, massive pirate ship all painted black with a skull and crossbones flag.

THISISTHECOOLESTSHIPEVER!!!

And...

There's an AND?

AND, it has all the flags of the ships it has rammed.

AAAAAAARGH!!! I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHIP. I WANNA GO SEE IT!!!

Thing is though...

WHAT WHAT WHAT???

It has hippies.

Hippies?

Hippies. Walking all over it.

OH NO.

Yup.

NO. NO NO NO NO.

Yup.

Shit. Fucking fucking hippies can suck my fucking fuck. Are they barefoot and dreadlocked?

Yup.

COCKSHIT.

But I don't know, maybe they just man a food stall out the front of it or something. I mean, I can't imagine hippies being good on the open sea...

Yeah, they'd be all like, AHOY THERE, DO YOU WANT SOME CHAI TEA?

Yeah...

Yeah....fuck I hate hippies.

Yeah.

I'm going home to drink whiskey.

Ok bye.

********

Conversation yesterday:

What do you think pies think about sausage rolls?

Hmmm. I don't know, I reckon they'd be a bit...uppity.

Well then, what do you reckon sausage rolls think about those new "traveller pies" which are sort of sausage roll shaped?

Oh, they'd be pretty pissed off for sure. Try hards, they'd say, get off our turf.

So what about pasties?

I think pasties are the hippies of the small food world. Pies and sausage rolls would gang up on them and give them shit. Stupid hippies!

Do you think pies like dim sims?

I imagine pies are quite rascist...

Or samosas?

Like I said, pies...rascist.

But which would they prefer? Dim sims and samosas, or pasties?

Hmmm. I think they'd go the dim sims, even rascists hate hippies the most.

Yeah...hippies huh.

I'm going home to drink whiskey.

Ok bye.

********

Conversation yesterday:

It feels like, everyone is so gung ho about being in some sort of relationship. And they don't even know why. The only reason I want to be in a relationship is because I can't think of anyone else I'd rather spend time with. Not because I just want someone for the sake of it. It's all so urgent and weird. I want a best friend who I think is hot and who I want to share everything with.

Ummm, that'll be two dollars fifty...

Oh right. Sorry.

********

Last night I came to the conclusion that being in a throng of people all fighting for the one piece of meat is a terribly ugly thing to do. Especially when I am so freaking happy to sit in my backyard listening to sexy, smoky music and sipping whiskey and dry. And if I want to, I can get a sneak preview of the animatronic dinosaurs which will be taking over Vodafone Arena next February, or I can get a sneak preview of the Circus which leaves for Hawaii next Saturday. And I can fill my life with enough good quality stuff, that I can feel complete without having to fight for shit, or get messy. That's a good feeling.

********

Conversation yesterday:

Hello, Directory. Which town do you require?

Melbourne.

And what name please?

Ring-a-root.

I'm sorry?

Ring. A. Root.

Is that a business?

I think so. I don't really know.

Ring-a-root.

Yes.

I have no listing for that name. What suburb is it in?

Well, if there was one in Brunswick that'd be great.

I'm sorry sir, we have no listing for a Ring-a-Root in Brunswick.

Hmmm. Ok. Well, can I put my number there?

I'm sorry?

I mean, can I put my number there and if anyone else calls up asking for Ring-a-Root, you can give them my number.

For Ring-a-Root.

Yep.

BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP.

*sips whiskey*

5 comments:

  1. you make the funnies with the words good.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Matty, I don't have your phone number anymore. Please text me. Only 42 days!

    ReplyDelete