Thursday, November 23, 2006

Now you see I've learned my lessons, and I don't even want to hear about your confessions.

Conversation the other day:

What's the oldest person you've ever been with?

Been with? Or...

Been with, slept with, whatever...

Well there was this really old prostitute once when I was really young...

WHAT? ARE YOU FOR REAL? kidding. But I did once sleep with a woman who would've been about 50, when i was about 17.

Really? TELL ME!

Well, my mum had her birthday party on one of those boats out on the bay...

Party boats...

Yeah. Party boats. And everyone was gasmashoed, except me, because I'd been dressed in a little white tuxedo like a fucking monkey and was kind of acting the part of mature host. Making sure the food went out, making sure everyone had a drink, you know...

I know, parents always make their kids do that shit.

Yeah. So anyway, I was walking down the side of the boat when I bumped into my mum's friend Kelly. Now a few weeks before, I'd seen Kelly dancing topless on our trampoline back at the house, it was right outside my bedroom window, and I'd just sat staring from my bed at this Amazonian Blonde with gigantic boobs bouncing up and down outside my freakin' window...aaaah the mammaries.

Dude, bad.

Sorry. Anyway, I was walking down the side of the boat when she started grabbing me and telling me how wonderful and smart I was and she had her arm around me and started to breathe all over me and kiss my cheeks...

Like what happens at Pony?

EXACTLY. Now, you've got to remember, it was only a few years before that I'd actually considered walking up to a complete stranger on a train platform and propositioning them for sex because my hormones were so fucking out of control, so when I had this pretty-hot-for-a-50-year-old-blonde pawing at me, I began to get ideas...


I pushed her against the wall and started making out with her.


I did.


Yes. I am.

So then what?

Well it just so happened that we were right outside the toilet door. And I mean, I was being bold, but not that bold...but Kelly on the other hand, well she reached behind herself, opened the door and dragged me in. It was fucking surreal. Very strange.


Well, that's about it, you know, she went down on me, I turned her around and...etc. Stuff happened, stuff came out. We made ourselves nice and rejoined the party.

You were 17?


Fucking hell. Did she ever say anything after?

Well, no. Thing was, later in the night, when the boat returned to dock, I had to do the rounds of the boat to make sure everything was okay and everyone was off. And I walked down the side of the boat and saw that the toilet door was open.


And inside, there was Kelly, asleep, underpants around her ankles. So she'd obviously made quite the night of it, if you know what I mean.


Looked that way. really, your taste in women hasn't changed at all?





Out on the deck the sun beats hard so I hide under the laserlight and tin. Even today, when it's dry heat and illusions, the freeway down the block can still sound like a river. Imagination might be paranoia sometimes, but on a good day, it's the best tool a man can have. I've woken up thinking good and strong with a hint of Outlaw, but I'm smart enough these days to know that vigilance is the key, and a single fucking moment, can get all Crunchie on yo' ass, and change colours from golden to red.

Tonight has a subtle hint of danger, with a dash of out to get ya. Lock up your mothers.


  1. oooo...I'm glad my mum's going to be safely esconced away in the country tonight.

    Or am I?

  2. what if a mother has a mother? which one would you choose? the older one or the younger?

    think very carefully about your answer, grasshopper.

  3. Oh, the younger mother fo' sure.

    So, uh...hi.