Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The leaves have got you thinking, about the first time you fell.

Conversation yesterday:

So, what are you?

I'm a Capricorn, but all the other shit..the accessories if you will, are all in Sagittarius, so I'm like a Centaur-infused-Goat.

Well then, there you go. You're not just Earth, you're Fire and Earth...

SWEEEEET. FIRE AND EARTH!

Like a volcano, volcanoes are fire and earth.

Ha. Yeah, you said it...throw me some o' dem virgins!

The thing with volcanos are, they're ancient, they built everything that the rest of us stand on, but they're from another time. Nowadays, people are frightened of what's inside you, frightened of passion, of fire, frightened that the volcano will come alive again, frightened of what you can do, and how you can change the earth around you.

Hmmm. I think I must've been been dormant for a while.

I think you have too.

But I can feel the rumblings of something big.

This is good.

I think I like the whole volcano analogy. I mean, I like being a volcano. All ceremony and know Pomp aye.

Dude, that was terrible.

I know. But shut up, or I'll get all hot lava on you. ROWR.

I'm going.

Ok bye.

********

When I was young, I spent most every night sitting beside my mother as she drank wine and listened to sad love songs. I would sleep for an hour or so, until I heard the stereo grow louder and louder and I knew that Little fish was sitting there on her own crying and relating to Foriegner or Chicago or Air Supply or The Eagles. I would simply walk out there and sit beside her and she would hold my hand and apologise and say, "he is the love of my life Matty, I don't know what to do..." and I was too simple back then to understand that he was married and had been simply using my mother as a mistress, a convenient escape from the mundane existence of his marriage. She loved him though, loved him as I love people now. Loved in the face of reality, loved in spite of reality. Believed in a greater power, a different world, where if you squeezed your eyes tight and hoped and prayed, or simply LOVED as hard as you possibly could, then it would all work out. It never did for her. It simply never did.

So back in those days, all I could do, was love her like no-one else did. And when she had drunk herself to sleep, I would take the glass out of her hand, and gently walk her to her bed. And I would let the final verse play of the song before I switched the stereo off.

Ooh, another love has come and gone
Ooh, and the years keep rushing on
I remember what you told me before you went out on your own:
’sometimes to keep it together, we got to leave it alone.’
So you can get on with your search, baby, and I can
Get on with mine
And maybe someday we will find , that it wasn’t really
Wasted time

I don't remember much more about that era of my youth. But I remember vowing never to let Love destroy me. And though my shoulders have slumped on occasion, and I have stayed in bed for days, or drank myself numb, or fucked myself stupid, I have kept a tight hold on the most important thing. My eyes, that have been called The Sea, have never looked defeated, nor lost their cheerful spark. And they won't. This I swear to you now Susie Q*

*That's my mum.

********

The analogy of Australia as Alcatraz tickles me just so. But like Clint Eastwood I'm formulating a plan and it's getting more and more detailed each day. I take notes, I sketch the walls and study the currents and file away at the bars in the window that hold this caged soul. Each day I receive messages from across the sea, hope, beautiful distant hope, and each day I draw strength from the fact that once the Birdman flies, he will find freedom a most precious treasure.

********

Once someone told me, I had to "get over" the death of my mum. That I hadn't properly "mourned" and still had "issues". This is the anniversary of her death. Seven years now. I think I've turned out just fine. And I don't think I ever want to get over it thankyou. She was a beautiful, sad, lonely soul and I have made many of the same mistakes she did. But I am also me, The B, and keeping her alive in me is an inspiration to adventures beyond.

6 comments:

  1. I agree. Why would you want to 'get over' someone you will always love.

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  2. Well, there are other circumstances where it is perhaps for the best. But I don't think it ever goes away. It's all about compartmentalising things. Which some people are better that than others.

    Although, fuck that, I will always be a heart on my sleeve sort of a guy. Is better.

    x

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  3. You are literally a guy with his heart on his sleeve now, B. Bless your inky limbs.

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  4. oh matty.

    i have goosebumps and tears welled up in my eyes, and i think of you sometimes and i hope you know it...

    it's good...

    yes bless your inky limbs..

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  5. hehe, i think of you too. And your crazy everything clubs.

    thanks guys. it is all good.

    xxx

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