Monday, January 8, 2007

Everyone's so lonely I dig it, but I'm afraid I can't share this with you.

In front of me as I walk to the shop, a small Indian man gets out of his car and as timing would have it walks four maybe five paces in front of me. I don't change my pace as I sometimes do in this situation, I simply continue to stride behind him feeling his nervousness at having someone so close behind him. The first time he turns, it's under the pretense of checking on his car, he looks over his shoulder, judging both the distance between us, and the type of person I am. Am I a danger? Am I about to speak to him? To ask him for money? To take it forcefully? He wears a denim shirt tucked into blue jeans. It is the uniform of a slightly successful, feeling casual, middle aged man. It reminds me of my Step Father, and how he always used to wear the same leather jacket, collegiate style, though built for the paunch of the well fed rich man. I laugh out loud, and this makes the Indian man nervous. He picks up his pace and I decide to choose left or right to walk past him, to end this charade. I choose left, the fence side, but as I do I get the feeling he is about to enter a house so I slow down again, wondering if I should tack to the right to overtake but not wanting to walk in the gutter, just to please the paranoia of a stranger. No gutter for me my friend! I walk the footpaths of the world, proud and purposeful! He turns again, and seeing me, actually stops dead, waiting for me to pass. He is totally unsure of what to do, and all I did was walk behind him.

I raise my arm as though I were about to hold him around the waist, but simply to acknowledge the distance between us. I pass him by, and I smile as I do.

These are the moments.

********

My goal is to make decisions that have no bearing on a life other than my own. But it's almost impossible. I am no exile, nor do I wish that. The island I live upon exists solely within my own head, but surely it has room enough for others. In my brain, I sit in judgement upon myself, and I have no desire to draw anyone else into my cobwebbed cold cell. But I do dream of warmth, of a light that will shine into every corner of the room, of a startling passion that will only giggle at the self indulgent affectations of an old soul who places such importance on itself. Jesus Christ, it's not all so bad hey, there is fun to be had, and life to be gripped and swallowed. It is just, the many voices of a busy brain often complicate things. To find which is real, which is personality, which is advice, which voice allows the truth, and the true way forward, this is the battle.

********

Every thought that once had a sound
We'll have to hide 'til no one is around
'cause there ain't no room in the city today
For explanations that you just can't say

"Don't listen to too many sad songs" is the advice I am given and it's good advice. But truly? It ain't so maudlin, so suffocating, it's the sound of beauty and emotion and passion, and I'm always going to be a sucker for that. I'm always going to live within my heart and soul, though madness overcomes me somedays. I just have to remember to smell the goddamn flowers. And today, the earth has cooled and the breeze tickles softly those hairs who have long since fallen behind evolution, their sole purpose to dance under the soft kiss of the skies breath. It's enough to make a grown man giggle.

If you're on Limewire try this:

Artist: Sebedoh
Track: Not too amused.

Maybe it will explain better than I can.

For now, I'll let the mood swings come.

5 comments:

  1. Hhappy birthday for the other day, my friend. I kept thinking it's mid-january because your partys have been. Hope it Went Down.

    B

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  2. happy birthday

    http://www.terebess.hu/english/oxherding.html

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  3. sebadoh, sentridoh and all things lou barlow form the backbone of my mid-90's music hangover i can't seem to shake...i love it!

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  4. Hey Bucky, party is on the 3rd Feb. Monsters vs. Robots vs. Scientists! I shall post details soon, thankyou for the thought. And you too anonymous Ox Herding person, you seem to know my taste perfectly. Also, anyone with the name ELO who likes Sebedoh and ends their sentences with a happy !, well...i love it!

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  5. [reads about party]

    [fancies self dressed up as mad scientist. knows has hair for it.]

    happy birthday dear hell-boy.

    am i too late?

    hope you had a nice one.

    [crosses fingers]

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