Monday, January 29, 2007

Up down, turn around, please don't let me hit the ground. Tonight I think I'll walk alone, I'll find myself as I go home.

In the small country town which exists within my mind, the whispers grew stronger and windows were silently but firmly bolted closed and doors were locked and blinds drawn until the empty streets resembled naught but long lost memories. On Main St, I stood alone on a corner and waited, and the breeze blew caution that caressed my hair and the roads that intersected began to draw themselves in, until the horizon itself was but a handspan away and I could touch the very end of the world.

What do you think I did? I lit the fuck up. Drew that first breath in and held it.

1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9. Exhale.

Here they come.

The heat smelled of summer storm and sweat and the sound of thunder grew louder as the Horsemen approached from the East. I could taste fire and it burned blisters in my mouth until I spat scorched earth. Scorched earth laced with determination. Bring it fuckers.

I closed my eyes and let myself drown in the sounds, I smoked some more until I heard the winny and bray and snort and hustle, and I knew they were upon me.

These were MY four horsemen. This was my day of reckoning.

Dig my action fuckos.

Hey, I said, staring them back. Smoke?

Fear, Guilt, Anger and Insecurity, all on horseback, all come for me.

********

Two things are hard. Being a friend to someone with whom you have a deep, emotional connection, seperating yourself from selfishness in your dealings with them, offering objective advice and love though it may hurt and may indeed, be at odds with your own hopes for the future. This is a choice I guess. A choice to stay, a weighing up of the worth of a friendship, of a connection. A seperation of self from emotion. In a similar way, this applies to my dealings with myself. I've always been an emotional fuck. I cry at the end of stupid movies like Almost Famous, not a shrieking sob, but a slow gradual leak, like taking a piss on ecstacy. I've always held that the emotions are the TRUE reaction to things, the passionate way, so therefore the road more worthy. But that's bullshit isn't it? Emotions are like the past, they give us valuable lessons, but they should be studied and held dear, not allowed to rule the present or the future. I'm beginning to realise that this may be the lesson I am here to learn. My best has always been a cooler objectivity, an understanding of things, without the terrible consequences of letting them affect me. My best has alwas been Harry Haller, the half wolf - half man Steppenwolf. My best has always been: following the path that leads to a quiet studied SELF. My worst comes from letting the moods of others get in, and believing I must make other people feel better about themselves in order to feel better about myself. My worst is the Chameleon, flitting from clique to clique and playing mascarades wherever I go, and wondering why it is so hard for people to see through the bullshit to the real person inside. This writer. This brain. My best will be leading, as my friend has asked me to do, but leading only by quiet calm, and finding a greater understanding of everything that spins and whirlygigs around me.

I've been kicking myself for years over the smallest moments in time. Wishing I had acted like this, or not said that, or blah blah blah. Quite useless really, when all it takes is one slow, simple breath, and waiting for that strong, confident voice to speak above all the others that clamour and cavort in the back of my brain.

I know which one is right now.

It's a good.

********

Fear, Insecurity, Anger and Guilt. They hold their ground, confident in their power over me. But in the end, I don't even bother writing about them. I don't even give them that.

You ain't worth it, Horsies.

Catch.

5 comments:

  1. Wow. You express it all so coherently and eloquently. x

    ReplyDelete
  2. ello.

    I'm REALLY good.

    Also, busy. Hard to blog.

    How are YOU?

    ReplyDelete
  3. You know I just love your writing.

    But it doesn't lend itself to a spiffy comment. So I'll leave it alone and go back to my corner.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Aw, but I like spiffy comments. In fact, I like spiffy anythings. Oh well. Fine. Move over, I'm joining you in the corner.

    ReplyDelete