Monday, May 7, 2007

No hope, no harm - just another false alarm...

It's not raining but the sky stands over me nonetheless. Threatening. Claustrophobic. If I was wearing a hood I'd pull it over my head, disguise myself. Instead I stare silver daggers and razor lit clarity, yes, straight back at it, head up - chin out, bravado a falsehood all its own. Every thing's grey, the light, the roads, the cars, the eyes of strangers tearing their own pages from their own stories as they gruff and grizzle past each other, past me - everyone's a code, encrypted, entombed, buried beneath the dreams and shit of hope and the key, the way out, is more elusive than ever. But you can manage a half smile fucko, as you cocoon yourself in a doorway to spark that slow, sexy death. Sometimes baby, self destructive is a dark and sensual animal, its claws a slow sharp relief to the deeper pains. Bleeding you. Leeching you. And all you have to do is breath in deep and exhale silver asps of cancerous tough to bring yourself back to earth. And keep on walking. Always walking. The same road you took those first steps upon all those years ago, the same road that leads round and round through your present and toward your future, the dust on your feet a reminder of the pasts you're either running from or trying to find again. So which are you old man? Are you running or searching? Are those stones in your pocket for luck, or do they keep you weighed down? I don't know, I say and stop and stare at the reflection in the hotel window, put myself in the picture - amongst the people, the golden ghosts floating inside. The genesis of the stones I keep is long forgotten, they form piles on my tables, hibernate in boxes under my bed, pieces of a jigsaw long lost and forgotten, the bones of tombs laid waste by the forces of nature. Mine and theirs. The sky begins to weep, and in a cruel sadistic twist, I feel a whole lot stronger for it. Pick up my pace, walk faster, tighter - an arrow escaped from its quiver - dead on target and flying fleet, to the unknown nowhere ahead.

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