Monday, May 28, 2007

Will I float?

Dear Dave Letterman Show,

I watch your show most nights with a cup of hot chocolate and my cat C**ty (you really do not want to know what my cat is called) on my lap, all the way on the other side of the world in Melbourne, Australia. I like Dave, he's alright, you know. Sweet. Anyway, for the last two years I have been HAUNTED by the incredibly annoying but ultimately loveable (much like me) strains of the Will It Float theme song. Often I'm shopping for pasta, or meat, or those fluffy mink blankets that are so good in winter when all of a sudden I'll start singing, Wiiiilll it floooat will it float. Wiiiillll it floooooat will it float. People will give me strange looks, and I'll be all like, IT FLOATS! Or sometimes, IT DOESN'T FLOAT!

I've met many a nice Supermarket Security Guard this way.

So anyway.

On 6th November I'm flying into New York and I'm staying for six days. Now I could lie and tell you I'm over there visiting friends, or taking my amazing idea to a multi-national company over there...but I'd never lie to you. I'm really coming there with the express purpose of trying to be an object that either floats or doesn't floats. No really. I am. It's costing me a lot of money you know. And I've got my heart set on it. No really, I do. I really want to be the Will It Float object, and I can think of no greater excitement than being behind the curtain, above a tank of water with those really weird metal ladies beside me...listening as the wiiiilll it floooaot will it float begins...and the tension builds...and I hear them say, What's the object? And it's announced: AN AUSTRALIAN. OH MY GOD! EXCITING!

So there you go.

It's a dream. Lance Armstrong had his, Neil Armstrong had his, and I'll do weights over the next months to build up my strength so I'll be an Arm Strong too.

By the way. I really am serious.

Hope to hear back from you soon.

Love you.

Rastus T. Sexplosion*

*Possibly an alias.


Also, this is fun.


  1. It's just crazy enough that it might work.

    BTW if you DON'T float does that mean you are a witch? If you do float what does it mean?

    Given you are in the northern hemisphere what happens when they pull the plug ARE YOU READY TO SPIN THE 'OTHER WAY"? (cue sexual innuendo joke!)

    Armstrong or no, it's people like you that push the barriers between dreams and reality and I SALUTE YOU SIR!



  3. What's this about NOT VISITING FRIENDS?!