Thursday, June 7, 2007

Opportunity Knox

Soundtrack: Rolling Stones / Let's spend the night together

As much as I have a reputation as a hard-livin', hard-fuckin', devilishly dangerous wild man who loves nothing more than dragging multiple girls by the hair to a dark alleyway behind a bar as they clumsily try to unbutton my jeans in a passionate frenzy, really nothing could be further from the truth. That sort of shit is for a whole different breed of person. Not I. I don't even get crushes. Crushes, aww a crush is so cute. Whatevs. I hate fucking crushes. Crush my balls. Hmmm....perhaps I should've thought about that first. I mean people these days LOVE to talk about their crushes,

"Ooh their so a) funny, b) sexy, c) look like my father I've got SUCH a crush!"

Wow, thanks so much for telling that exciting and basically boring as fuck fact. COOL!
What are you going to do about it?
a) nothing, but isn't just HAVING the crush so much fun / vomit inducingly cutesy poo.
b) jerk off in public / private
c) shut the fuck up and keep sucking my cock or otherwise I'm gonna get real mad and I don't have any more concealer in my bedroom.

See, I've never been big on crushes. I like to love and make out and if I've got a crush, I'm usually with the person, or if I'm with a person, I don't get a crush.

Get it?
Got it.
Good.

EXCEPT.

SHIT.

OH MY GOD.

I'VE GOT SUCH A CRUSH.

SHIT!

FUCKSHITOHMYGOD!

CRUSH!

But what about..SHUTUP.

But you just said...ISAIDSHUTUP.

Yes I have a crush. And it's strange, because I'm NEVER going to be with the person, and also my lovely lady friend has admitted that she too would like to see my crush get fucked, suck cock, moan and gasp, bake a cake (not a sexual reference), and wear a tartan skirt.

You see, my crush is...




















A porn star.

Sigh. Happy place. Kittens and waterfalls and strawberry doonas.

Sasha Knox.

I haven't seen any of her movies. YET. YET YET YET YET YET.

But I've heard her talk and I've seen her look like this:



And say things like, "Why did I get fired from all my previous jobs? Well inevitably, I'd end up sleeping with the manager, and the manager's son, and the manager's daughter, and the manager's wife...."

SIGH. PUPPIES AND ICE CREAM PONIES WITH RIBBONS.

But B, she's GROSS! She's A PORN STAR. I MEAN LOOK:



You're just in lust, you just want to see her...

BANG SMASH BANG!!! OUCH!



Anyone else? NO? Fine.

Hey B?

Yes?

I've just got talk to Sasha about something in private, do you mind?

No not at all, I can trust you Sasha can't I?



Of course you can B. I'll be right back...

2 comments:

  1. i'm slightly crushing on tony mokbel at the moment. with wig, without wig. i don't care.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tony rules. He simply MUST buy his way out! GO TONY GO!

    ReplyDelete