Thursday, August 23, 2007

The Fragile Soldier.

I haven't seen myself for a while, so when we bump into each other it's a nice surprise.

Haven't had much time to stop and think hey?

No, not really. In fact, stopping to think is possibly well overdue.

Uh-huh.

Yup.

Well, I have something for us today.

Ok, hit me.

How long have we been on here?

Mm, almost four years maybe? About four years. A lot of the early stuff got deleted, you know, during the time with the oooh and errrr and argh. But I think it's four years.

Yeah, four years...

What about it?

Well, I've been thinking...I think we're always sort of projected a sort of fictional persona here, well not so much fictional as just...maybe a tunnel vision of ourselves, too afraid to write, and too worried about what people read, so much so that we've never actually just relaxed, had fun, written openly - never actually been ourself on here. You've got to spell correctly, be witty, not offend anyone, not hurt anyone, never reveal the fact that we're just freaking NORMAL. It's all a story, and we have so many stories it gets difficult to remember who the Hell we actually are. I think it's time to pull the curtains down, and just be us.

I agree. The funny thing is, the real us is actually quite sedate.

You don't have to bullshit me, I'm you.

Okay, well maybe not SEDATE, but really...oh fuck I don't know. Who the Hell are we anyway?

I don't know, but maybe we can start to find out now.

I'd like that.

Yeah, I'd like that too.

********

I hurt people. I hurt people because I don't like letting people know everything about me. Don't like letting them in. Well, most people anyway. My couple of boys are great because, they remind me that I don't have to spend so much time thinking about bullshit, it's okay to just hang out, play guitar, drink beer, plan and scheme. Not that they know they do that, but that's the gift they give me whenever I get a chance to see them anyway.

I don't mean to hurt the people that get close. My personalities have a life of their own, depending on who I am with, and a lot of the time I'm simply bored, and unable to connect with the brains around me. Sure enough, there's a lot of good brains out there, amazing ones too, but to find one that clicks just so, and that comes in a package that you can spend time with - male or female - and also leads you further, teaches you and gets taught and on top of that makes you happy...I've found those brains hard to find.

Or maybe, I've been at fault, and it's my closed off nature that has made them hard to find.

It's easy, on the internerd. You can write sentences, and someone will write a sentence, and all of a sudden you've got a buddy. A brain buddy. Good for daytimes when work be grinding and small talk's a tonic.

After work it's harder for me. There are people I have tried to make a connection with and hurt, there are people who I thought I had a connection with and lost, there are people who want me to sit next to them as they drink, or as I do, there are a thousand fucking people walking past every fucking minute of the day and who the Hell are they? I mean, I'm the sort of person to smile and wave at strangers, but if they actually stopped to talk to me, I'd probably cover myself in some sort of protective cloak, share a smoke, make a joke, grasp and reach for a leg of hope...

There are places I walk into where certain parts of my personality are expected to appear, and I hate nothing more, than being estimated, over or under.

Sigh.

I'm going to get this out. Because Spring is about to wake us up, and four years of writing baggage and bullshit on here needs to end. I am me, and it's about time I just fucking dug it. For thirty years before this blog, I walked tall, succeeded, fucked up, got trashed, got serious, lost family, found friends, wrote songs, and grew.

This shit here, spilling stories, love stories, sex stories, psychological meanderings and dreams of dreams - it's episode after episode of dirty soap, an attempt to cleanse which just ends up making the whole thing muddier.

Not that I don't like getting a little muddy sometimes. If you're going to write, you've got to expect a little dirt.

Pfft. This is no epiphany, I've written them enough times to understand their transient nature. And if you're me, you get to know the danger of letting hope in, of saying, things are going well this time!

Best to just be now.
A 34 year old Teenage riot.
An Optimistic Tramp.
A Walkabout Specialist, sitting on the stool next to you, with eyes fixed firm on the horizon.

So, sorry if I happen to look over your shoulder. I mean no disrespect.

********

You think you're better than this place don't you?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. I think we all are. And I think that's a good thing to think.

********

And fuck it, turn the stereo up today, take a trip back in time.

Ain't seen a night, things work out right, go by.
Things on my mind, and I just don't have the time, and it don't seem right.
Ain't seen a day, that I don't hear people say, they know they're gonna' die.
This may seem a little bit crazy, but I don't think you should be so lazy.
If you think you've heard this before, well, stick around I'm gonna' tell you more.

One just like the other, sin's a good man's brother, but is that right?


2 comments:

  1. Anyone can turn a good brain into a bad brain, that's what's so scary, including ourselves and our own.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well good. We shouldn't take these places so seriously, eh?

    And small talk is valuable, sucka.

    Take that.

    ReplyDelete