Thursday, November 13, 2008

The beginning has begun to begin.

Out at sea
creak and sway
a little further
every day
to sight a land
long lost to me
a place where eye
have never been
feet on earth
no dirt
on me.


Awareness without action is an unforgiveable crime. Being smart enough to act stupid enough to hide the smart enough is a shot in the vein of pity's deadly charm. And you don't know where or who to turn to, because you no longer trust yourself enough that you can talk without causing more sadness. More sadness.

Jesus, this Hell has been a self fulfilling tragedy. Beyond the comic, no longer a tonic, merely a notepad, filled with the gothic masturbation of an emotional and social retard.

But I'm not here to hide. I'm here to stand and face the enemy. The inner child who has lied to himself for all these years to try to avoid the trouble that the lies themself create.

Oh god. Awkward.

Yesterday I sat with a friend and brother who listed the people who have invested in me and continue to do so. And blood was shed as a family wine, drunk deep in the summer sweat, and bonded beneath patchwork memories where golden hearts light the darkness that you may see in the deepest trenches of the night. And if those hearts are stars, then my night is a glittering outback glowing with distant dreams that I might navigate a way from loss to leadership.

In the cold, I don't light a fire. I rub the earth upon my skin and feel the warmth of it and hope to Hell it sinks in between the pours, another yes another, beneath the poor, I'm working but stranded as always, as always, beneath the pores, beside the bones, to grow a thicker skin, built of the Earth, and as patient, caring, understanding and wise as the old skin always promised to be, but was never able to deliver.

Do as your closest tell you to do. Focus only upon yourself. Fix thyself, jester boy. Fix thyself that you might return the favour one day, however far that day might be.

Shed the snake. Become the goat.

And when you do that, the mountain seems a challenge, not a threat.

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