Monday, June 22, 2009

The gem I found one lonely night.

The other night
I saw the Universe
and my place in it
and I believed
that the only embrace for me
was that of Lady Death
the Home I longed for
the desire I chased
the Love beyond Love
the you
when you were on the beach
and laughing
not in the yard
dark and sorrowful
and the me
that knew the inside you
not the me
who could
longer stand.

When the thought
crossed my mind
(this being of Lady Death)
I stopped myself
shook my head
and said,
well I guess
it's nice to know
Death's always waiting
there for me.

And in the morning I began to walk.

I walked under the bright winter sun
beneath the soft and majestic trees
beside the concrete creek
through the city's hive like catacombs
down dark alleys, behind quiet suburban houses

I walked
away from thoughts of you
and a him
and them
and everyone
I walked, I ran
away from everyone

and the hours went by
dancing as wind upon a light melancholy
and I saw half this town
that day
just walking and feeling
and thinking.

Early twilight came
and I found myself in the streets
which now I almost call home
when upon a winter's afternoon
a fellow traveller
stood outside his house
in a tattered robe, with tea in hand
and smiled a warm greeting
with a half cigarette dangling loose
from his lower lip
and we decided to sit
and watch the sun set over the day
sitting and smoking and talking
of our lost and lonely journeys
and laughing at the serendipity
which had brought us together
to share
this precise and perfect

No girl, no drug, no drink,
we said,
can answer the question of this void - this restlessness
we feel today...

So we smoked and were lost together.

Darkness crept beside us as we talked
and the first of the burned out city stars
began to show their bashful light
and even the traffic seemed quiet
in this moment
as gently we began to discuss
The Thing Which Cannot Be Seen.

Those moments when it first appears
a golden glow
a drop of rain
a happiness, out of place amongst the sadness
and we both understood that it cannot be understood
and in that we found an understanding
of Now's beautiful insanity
when all the thoughts of pain are shed
when the past and future disappear
when all decision and experience are filled with purpose
to arrive at a Now
to accept the Now
to fill yourself with Now

and we started to laugh
two mad men in a park
as it showed its face
and the stars all came at once
and the trees danced for us
and the RUSH
oh god, the rush of Now
of true and total freedom from thought
of delight in living, the reward of acceptance
the fire, the joy, of being acknowledged by Now
of a moment being created, just for you, just for us
we sat and we let it happen
and silence was everywhere, amongst the city's noise
and I could breathe in the delicious moment
without the pain of Her, the Limbo of me
the remorse or regret or fear or loneliness
because Now was here and it was enough
and all I had to do was not listen to it
not reach out to it, nor strive for it, grab it, shape it, own it...

all I had to do
was nothing.

And the evening was cold
there on the grass
and still
we laughed and laughed and laughed.

It just told me what to do,
my companion said.

As it did me,
I replied - thought this was not exactly truth
nor was it a lie
for I had not been given direction
I had been given - surrender.

Let's meet here tomorrow
he said to me
and I will tell you what it told me.

Okay, I said
and shook his hand,
and pulling my hood over my head
I walked into the blessed night
in search of food and lodging
and carrying with me the surrender
which had been granted me
by the all knowing Now.

I love you,
I told myself.

I cannot change that.

(and why - why would I?)

I'm a lost and brilliant demon
alone and alive
and if I let myself
(and if you let me)
I can shine
and be satisfied
with the all seeing
delightfully insane beauty

And so I surrendered.
(It began to rain a loving kiss)

So I surrendered.
(The door opened to a warm and precious friendship)

I surrendered.
(I awoke today -
back to earth,
but filled with


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