Sunday, August 30, 2009


In the shower I stand and it all comes off. I turn the heat up so I can feel it burning the back of my neck, running over my shoulder blades and cascading down the valley of my spine and on to the tiled floor. With my head pressed against the glass I watch it spiral away and disappear. Down the drain and into the distance. With any luck I'll walk passed it one day as it flows along the gutter where it belongs, and I'll make a sail boat from a leaf and enjoy myself at its expense.
Towel from the towel rack. Shave. Mouthwash and a long look in the eyes, a Harden the Fuck up, a Let it all go, and then turn away, quick, before the questions start reflecting back to you. Before the spark that flashes in my left eye sets this whole picture aflame.
At least I deleted that movie.
Well, one of them anyway.
There it is.
Now move away.
The next phase of this familiar operation is to stock up on cigarettes. Cigarettes are important. Cigarettes are the portable sedative. With a cigarette you can frown dark and cloudy, or walk free and easy, captured in your own tiny bubble, and for those three minutes you have the power. I have a full packet of cigarettes. I have a lot of things I need at the moment, and if you've got a lot of things you need, it's easier to not have the thing you want. Trust me. This I fucking know. I pick up the packet of cigarettes, and some money from beside my bed. I take my iPod from its charger and place the earbuds in my ears. I've lost the proper earbuds. I have replacements. I always lose the earbuds. And then I open the door at exactly the moment the song starts and I walk out in to the rain.

I first learned I could control the weather on August 24, 2005.

The rain comes thick now, and the sky is grey but silver and gold too, and there are breaks and shivers of colour and life between me and The Universe and I do what I always do down here, I smile back at it, though it continues to break me.
I smile back at it, friends, and with my arms out and the fresh rain on my face, and Arcade Fire breaking my heart with the Joy of being Alive, I scream a loud fucking scream and laugh my fucking tits off as I am getting drenched and the words I scream are of Love and Passion and Choice.

This Universe is my choice, I scream. This feeling, breathing thing. One chance, all or nothing, are we in or out, I'm all about...I'm all about everything...that's my Universe, my World, My Love.

And shit.

My Love.

These colours are mad, so mad today.

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