I find it hard to relax. My brain moves fast. I pace a lot. I like stimulation. My hands feel like they need to be doing, all the time. I find it hard to concentrate. I find it hard to empathise. I find it hard to work out where I fit. Or if I should fit at all.
Last night I had a Reiki session. I tried to clear my mind of cynicism. I tried to clear my mind of a lot of things. I lay on the massage table and let my breathing deepen. I listen to the lady talk calmly about the Angel who was here with us. I thought, I don't feel worthy of an Angel. I'm pretty sure he won't waste his time with me.
This was the first step.
It's no secret to myself, that I find it incredibly difficult to love myself. I have a family history of self-loathing, self-destruction and I also have an aversion to people who self-promote, people who carry themselves with what I sometimes think is an air of arrogance. This twists my perception of the world, until I can no longer function in a social environment. Amongst friends, I am safe. We understand each other and our place in each other's hearts. But in relationships, or out, or amongst strangers, I am prone to either talking too much, too fast, or being incredibly shy and insecure. I never know if what I have to offer is worth anything to anyone. I keep my own company a lot.
To me the session seemed to run for fifteen minutes. It ran for over an hour. I was lucid the entire time. I remember thinking I needed to force myself to stop thinking. My shoulders felt locked. I felt strange. Slowly, the right side of my body seemed to float, though the left side of my body seemed to become incredibly heavy. I couldn't move my left hand at all, though the right arm felt as though it had floated through the ceiling. Time bent. I was not dreaming. I wasn't sure. Thoughts and people swam through me. I tried to focus on my own soul. I thought I should do that. That this was a moment for me. I didn't want to think the things I thought. I felt people in the room. Two, three other people. Moving around me. I didn't open my eyes.
Animals came. The first animal I saw was a Boa-Constrictor. Huge. This stayed with me for a long time. I watched it wrap itself around the trunk of a tree. Slowly. It was not frightening. After this a human hand came through the dark and reached for me. Behind it was the face of a gorilla. This faded quite quickly. A deer, in long grass. And finally, circles, which became wings, which became butterflies. Hundreds of butterflies. I thought I had let myself be distracted. I tried to relax. The session, however, was over. I had been out for over an hour.
Afterwards we spoke about my experience. I told her about the animals I saw and she told me what the meaning of each represented in my life. There was so much truth. I felt shy. She said, if you embrace your past, if you are able to do that, your music will grow ten, a hundred fold. She told me the over riding message she had received from both the Angel and someone I knew who had passed over was that I needed to begin to love myself from the inside. She said that. I blinked a lot. My head felt warm.
This is the difficulty.
Driving home I spoke to my friend who had taken me there. I said, I don't know why an Angel would bother with me. I feel as though an Angel would rather take care of someone else.
And I didn't mean to, but I cried when I heard myself say this.