45. Witches

The first thing I am aware of 
is not Light, but Sound
slow and determined
building louder and louder until 
unable to bear its weight I open my eyes and scream.

And that's when I taste the dirt
that's when I wake choking
buried in the earth, remembering nothing
of who or where I am.

I am in a forest
I am cold
I am naked
I am lost

and
that's when The Terror begins.

********

She spots him as she drives the highway. The location changes slightly every time, but his eyes do not, they are wide, white and wild with terror. He is running through the trees, naked and mad and ignorant. Here she always feels a slight compassion. But not enough to break the cycle, just enough to convince herself She is Good, and He the Other. She slows as his route converges and slips into character. He begs for help, he is lost, he can't remember, he sobs and shivers and she opens the door of her car and he jumps in and sits weak and pathetic in the back seat and holds his arms around himself and she tells him, sorry, I have no blanket, no jacket and he always breaks here, always breaks and she always watches him cry in the mirror as she picks up speed and heads into town.

It's twenty miles to Town, she tells him. We'll get you sorted out. We'll get to the bottom of this. You just need some rest.

He is grateful here, there is never any danger from Him.

She often wonders how he ever managed to be dangerous.

Still, she drives fast to Town.

It's always better in Town.

Ladyb

 Saskia died.

A month ago. I didn't know. 

Last night here in Auckland, after work, I turned it on a little.

The giant moon was low, the work was hard, and Old Me peered over the edges of exhaustion and I drank sake and ate sushi and I let myself Howl a Little and I didn't understand why. It was out of character these days, but I could feel the demon again and I let him have just a tiny, gasping breath.

Back in the hotel I couldn't sleep.

Reading about the world, Trawling, 3am Eternal. 

When I randomly came across her Obituary in The Age.

Saskia died.

It didn't say how. 

So much of this blog was hers, of her, for her, so many years ago. 

God it was Huge. 

That pain, that eclipse.

And now...now I don't know. 

She can't have died well and that makes me sad.

I don't know if she had any friends left and that makes me sad.

There was a time when she was everything and anything and my stomach would flip and my heart would crack.

There was a time when we would truly, truly be awful to each other.

There was a time when I had to let her go.

Another time I have to let her go.

I don't know, 

yet, 

if this will stay in the box,

but I imagine it will