Tuesday, October 25, 2005


Soundtrack: Ike and Tina Turner / Nutbush City Limits (in an X-Files Style)

Following on from my last "gee the FLOWERS are beautiful and Pollen tastes like Fairy Dust in this wonderful trumpet playing world of ours" post when everything came up B and dinner awaited and so did baited breath because I was DEFINITELY going to have the Ocean Fillet after I ate this AMAZING sesame coated piece of CROCODILE. Yes, crocodile...

Let's play charades!






FUCK. I guess charades doens't really work on the Intersmeg.

Ok, let's play a different game! You can be me and I'll be the restaurant staff...

YOU (actually me...get it?): Hello! Wow! THIS is a restaurant...so beautiful! It's amazing what you've done with the place! And, might I say, these Reader's Digest Condensed Novels make wonderful menus, TOUCHDOWN!

RESTAURANT STAFF (shh...it's only me!): Thankyou you wonderfully dapper young man, now what would you like to order?

YOU...ME...ARGH, this is confusing now...: Well, my fancy culinary friend I will have THIS and THIS...OH MY GOD HOW FUCKING GOOD DOES THIS LOOK! Oh...now there's just ONE FUCKING THING. WHEN YOU ARE LOOKING ME IN THE EYE AND TELLING ME THAT THERE ARE DEFINITELY NO FREAKING NUTS IN THESE FUCKING DISHES ARE YOU TELLING ME THE TRUTH 100% IRONSIDE STYLE? Because you know...I'd hate to like, DIE and ruin the ambience of your restaurant which you have so obviously spent many painstaking hours creating into such a wonderful visual tappenade!

RESTAURANT STAFF (one of us!): Young man, I can absolutely, positively, guarantee you that there is not even a TRACE of nuts in these WONDERFUL dishes you have PERFECTLY chosen to ingest this warm sultry eve..SAFETY DANCE! YOU AND ME! However don't take my word for it, I shall PERSONALLY GO AND ASK THE CHEF! CHEF??? CHEF CAN YOU HEAR ME?




RESTAURANT STAFF BRINGING DISHES TO TABLE: Here young man, you have selected wisely...ENJOY!


Is someone trying to knock me off here?

Monday, October 24, 2005

Joy Division

Soundtrack: Bruce Sprinsteen / Born to Run

Woah. Tuesdays after a big weekend are aptly named. It's not like today there is anything particularly SADNESS or anything, but two days of digesting and detoxifying drugs and alcohol in your body just give you this feeling of...tightness inside. Spring loaded, tightly wound, frown frown frown...le brain petit gets a little loco and it ALL makes sense that darkness...yargh.

All those things I can find inside and write on this page about LIFE (happy!) LOVE (BOINK!) and the wandering spirits we are...well, shuttup your face when your skin is sensitive and melty and your brain feels like a prune, all dried and wrinkly and good for your bum.

Luckily, there is beer and company and dinner at a place that serves crocodile and camel and wasabi ice-cream to look forward to.

The days are made more beautiful as always dinner lies in wait. And like courting and fucking, the anticipation lasts and lasts...

Sunday, October 23, 2005


Soundtrack: Wings / Live and Let Die

I was at a party.

Possibly one of the most enjoyable I have ever attended.

Best party band. Best party people.

And there were so many fucking dolled up, frocked out incredibly hot fucking girls there.

But none compared.

She's still the most beautiful girl-woman I have ever seen.

And when the sun came up and showed us east to find home, we passed out in the sunshine in the backyard, waking up to drink wine and take our tops off.

I feel like I am floating.

What the fuck is this dream?

It has been a long ride to get where we are now. Ups and downs, bumps and grinds. You know...stuff.

I feel strange, post-drugs and alcohol strange. But we're about to watch a storm come in over a different city. Storms and sticky heat to match our hearts. And rain to wash away bad memories.

Life is fucking crazy man. Let's rumble.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

There are some things that nothing can prepare you for. Shit that don't come with an instruction manual. Experiences that you will have but once in your life that make you realise how deep, and sad and fleeting and beautiful and fucking random life is.

These things shape us, make us, BRAND us.

Pain is such a personal thing. You may have a hand to sqeeze, a shoulder to cry on, a rubber squeaky bone to stick between your clenched clenched CLENCHED fucking teeth, but in the end there is only you, your heart and the pain.

But pain means you're alive. Means you're ONE OF US.

Pain brings understanding of the world in all its unmerciful fucking glory and handled the right way, it brings strength and growth and instead of turning you to stone, it can open your heart to the endless possibilities of Life.

My friend is in pain, therefore so am I.

My friend is in pain but rather than sympathy, my friend will feed on strength and love and a smile which shows A WAY OUT.

My friend is the bravest, strongest, most wonderful person I know.

You are not alone. Us orphans gots to stick together.

Forever. I will be with you forever.

I love you.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

It's time to spread our wings and FLY

Soundtrack: John Lennon / Intuition

We have grown.

Ever since I can remember, I've called myself "ambitious", thinking that therefore I was somebody, I was destined to BE somebody.

When I was about 6 years old I used to direct pretend movies at family barbeques and order everyone around and tell them to "get into character" or that I couldn't "FEEL" their performance.

My mother and sister would look at each other and say things like, "one day...that Mathew, he'll look after us all..."

Their friends would look at each other and say, "fuck he's an obnoxious little cunt isn't he?"

When I was 16 I was awarded a scholarship to go and study in Japan. I ended up there for almost three years, travelling, drinking, studying Kendo and Ninjutsu and Medieval Japanese History. The whole trip was paid for by Western Mining, who believed that I would BE somebody. Who backed me to come back and lead their Japanese Division into the future.

I didn't.

I came back and started smoking bongs and, of course I was fucking 19...I started a band.

When I was in the band I KNEW. I knew we would BE somebody. We would fucking make it. Coke and pussy baby. Coke and motherfucking pussy and travelling the world and gig after gig after gig and non stop CREATIVITY.

7 years we ran that band and the furthest we got out of Melbourne was Warnambool, Ballarat, Leongatha. But still, good times...no coke, a little pussy...but CREATIVITY and that's the fucking shit.

Eventually we all got so broke that Fiscal Responsibility could be ignored no more. We were 26-27, and girls were starting to pay more attention to guys who actually owned cars or could afford to take them to dinner rather than boys who looked great on stage but baby, when the reality walks off their all sweaty and broke...well, you've got to be a certain type of girl, and I certainly hadn't met too many of them...

So I got a job and I learned a trade making magazines until eventually one drug fuelled weekend, some friends and I decide we could start our own mag...we would BE somebody...

Fuck me, that was pretty much 5 years ago, and I'm tired.

I'm tired of ambition. I don't really CARE about taking over the world anymore. I like sitting in the park. I like the fact that I walked for an hour to get to this office the other morning and it was sunny and people smiled at me when I walked past them because you know what? I was smiling at THEM.

To be honest, not one ambition I've had has come true, but if I look at it differently then...well, maybe they have. I've always thought that from ambition to fruition meant me rolling in cash, sitting on a beach, skinnies in minis while I'm sinking tinnies sort o' thing...

But this morning I realised...and this is as close to answwering the person who tagged me as i'll get...

I was in a cool band for 7 years.
I lived in a crazy foreign country for three years.
I started a magazine that went from 1500 paper copies in Melbourne, to 30,000 glossy copies all around Australia.
I've made friends with some AMAZING motherfuckers, and you know what is nice? They think I'm amazing too.
I'm writing a book. A book! ME! I'm writing a book! HHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA
Also, I have been asked to write A MOVIE. AHAHAHAHAHA. ME! A MOVIE!

I didn't feel too succesful these last few weeks, not like down on myself, just...I thought I had so far to go still in life....So this post, as rambling as it is, may not mean much to you, but I just had to hint at something and that's...

Why the fuck would I be thinking that when the only thing that really matters is just stopping, smiling and being happy?

And as soon as I let go of my own ambitions, or more to the point, my preconceived notions of what they were...everything came flooding in...my movie made sense, my book has a theme, I know what to do with my music...

But the best bit is:

If nothing pans out, if everything falls apart...I don't really care. There's always a nice park to sit in, and a great book to read, and some oysters to eat and girls to flirt with.

Pish posh Buster.


Monday, October 17, 2005

I'll have what she's having

Soundtrack: Underworld / Cowgirl

Ectasy is a dangerous psychotic drug.

Here are a couple of points to watch out for if you feel you may have taken too much in one go.

1/ Palms become sweaty.

2/ Body temperature rises.

3/ You say the words, I love you, to a complete stranger because it feels nice when they rub your back.

4/ You're okay with your partner.....


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Aside #7

Soundtrack: Nat King Cole / Unforgettable

The last night I ever spent with my mum I was rushing like a cunt on ecstasy. My sister Jodi and I had spent a week up in Surfers and it was our last night and Mum and Simon (step dad) and Jodi and I all got pretty ga-smasho-ed. Jodi and I of course being who we are, who were were maybe, decided to drop the pills we had stashed all week and see what would happen...

If you knew that you only had one more night left with your mum, what would you do? What would you talk about?

It wasn't like I knew I'd never see her again, but it was like no other night.

Of course it was the drugs, but it was a whole lot more too.

Simon was a silent observer, strangely enough video-ing the whole fucking night, and that's why I'm writing this today because I've just got my hands on the video after 5 years and I've never watched it...

*writes label The Last Fucking Waltz*

Whether or not she knew, I doubt it in the state she was in by that point, that we were on drugs is beside the point. The three of us opened up like never before. We talked about EVERYTHING. MOTHERFUCKING EVERYTHING. We emptied our souls to one another in a way that I have never to anyone else. Well, maybe now, one other person...I don't know, I don't know what sort of family you have, what your background is, but kiddies, we had a fucking crapload of things to get out...and it was all so beautiful, and we fucking laughed and cried and my mum danced and smoked pot and screamed "RIBS! ORDER ME RIBS! MUNCHIES!" and everyone was for the first fucking time EVER, all SO present and SO happy and the three of us that had come through fucking fire and brimstone together for so many years...well, One Night Only...we had a break, an afterparty, we shook it the fuck out.

We left before she woke in the morning and the next time I saw her, only four weeks later, she was all yellow tinged, dressed in her favourite red dress, lying still so still...and I made a speech in front of strangers and she sank into the fire and that was it.

But this isn't about mourning, because that's long gone. This is about remembering and in front of me sits the video and I have no fucking idea what's going to happen when I watch it.

But these things, these are the things that remind me to fucking live well, live now, fight on, be fucking happy.

And it's sunny too.



Monday, October 10, 2005


Jello Biafra and The Melvins / The Lighter Side of Global Terroism

For absolutely no reason at all, today I feel like getting the fuck out of the city and watching the world destroy itself below. Like RED DAWN! Sigh. I always wanted to be in Red Dawn. Apart from the whole WAR thing, and you know, like, everybody dies and shit...except two of them, one of them is the nerdy one, how come the fuck the nerdy ones always survive, something about the meek maybe? But anyway C. Thomas Howell (ME THAT'S ME ME ME ME) dies a courageous death, and Patrick Swayze is all fuck yeah baby I'm the older brother but even in war I'm all like conflicted by emotions and ANYWAY I'm still a teenager who just wants to make out and shit..


FUCK YEAH! What a movie. I really need to see it again.


I don't really want the end of the world. I want calm blue oceans and a nice farm and bouncing babies and friends and family all around and an endless supply of the World's Greatest Food. Nothing major.

But if the world is going to end, I'm getting all Red Dawn baby.

I guess it started...

Yesterday as I sat drinking in the sun. I pondered the meaning of life and the world around us and I thought of the earthquake in Pakistan, now like 30,000 dead or something ridiculous like that and I could see the future and it was extremists blaming the government for the earthquake, naming it divine retribution and building to a crescendo of violence in the name of their GOD.

And meanwhile in the "Land of Freedom" an old drunk was beaten to death by The Law, that itchy trigger happy Law that fled the scene of destruction their pants soiled by fear as Nature swaggered into the Big Easy and washed away their sins...or actually...EXPOSED their motherfucking sins.

And all Hell broke loose.

And all Hell IS breaking loose.

And fucktard Pat Robertson thinks it MAY be the end of the world, and even a man who supposedly has that much FAITH in the fucking lord has to hedge his bets with his TV audience by saying it "may" be the end of the world.



So yeah, now I'm thinking I'm a' gonna load up on supplies (SUPPLIES!) hit the road, get to the cabin, load the shotgun, find a vantage point and watch the world destroy itself and burn baby burn below*

Fuck it.

New Years Eve sounds as good a time as any.

Let's start a war.

*Fiddling optional.

Also...I think i'm still on steroids...can you tell?

Sunday, October 9, 2005

Eating Nuts: A timeline

4:00 pm: HEY EVERYONE! WOOHOO! It's a wedding party, let us imbibe tasty lagers and catch up with friends and...hold on...oooooh yum!.....I'll have one of those rice balls fo' shizzle...

4:15pm: Excuse me young sexy waitress, were there any nuts in those rice balls? You'll check with the chef? GREAT! Thankyou...There wasn't? Okay great, I must just be imagining things...

4:20pm: I think I'll go and ask the chef myself...What's that you say chef? There were DEFINETLY NO NUTS in those rice balls? 100% positive you say? Great! I must just be imagining things...

4:45pm: Ummm....miss....would you mind driving me to the...ho...s...p.....iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.........


5:00pm: ....................................

6:00pm: ......................woah.....

6:15pm: ....argh...these steroids mixed with adrenalin are starting TO REALLY KICK IN...



7:00: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz............

7:30: zzzz.....sob.....miss...can you take me home now please?

*prepares affidavit*

Thursday, October 6, 2005

And on a slightly more serious note

Today my sister drives 9 hours to South Australia to check herself into a 6 month rehabilitation program for heroin addicts. The strength she has displayed in facing her demons and choosing to fight them is beyond fucking inspirational, it completely breaks my fucking heart.

I've written about her before, her life and battles. She read it and laughed and said she didn't mind all you fuckers knowing these things about her, in fact she thought it helped her decide that she was going to force a change in her life.

There are things I need to fix in MY life. Finding the courage to do so is one of the hardest things any of us can do. Ignoring things is just so damn easy. Distractions are so damn easy.

And then there's my sis, who so many of her friends and the rest of our "family" completely wrote off as a lost cause...showing us all how it's motherfucking done.

Oh fuck.

I love you Pops.

I'll be waiting.

*cries, dies and loves*

I don't know. Don't you just find it a LITTLE disturbing?

Wednesday, October 5, 2005

Never lose your sense of wonder

Soundtrack: Gentle Ben and his Sensitive Side / Filling in the Ditch

I am currently in a phase of living one moment to the next.

It's a nice way to do things.

Switching off the internal mono/dialogue as much as possible and just taking in the NOW.

I forget about that sometimes. Forget that it's in those moments that you notice the clouds, the trees, the people, the sunshine, the smells...and whenever you can shut the fuck up those endless fucking voices in your head (the tower, the gun, the tower the gun...) that life gets good and your heart opens up and without helping it the corners of your mouth turn up and your teeth flash and you find yourself smiling, grinning for no fucking reason.

A few weeks ago I was standing on a balcony in the country and it started to rain rain rain, heavy fucking rain and you read about shit like this so much that it almost sounds cliche, but I stripped and stood underneath the sky and smiled and danced and laughed.

And beside me, a naked fucking wood nymph smiled and danced too.

And THAT was my moment.

No words, no thoughts.
Just rain and freedom.
Pure and simple.

Whatever will be will be and that's such a fucking beautiful way to live that I may just cum happiness like a fucking volcano.

Can I finish with a ghey Bob Dylan quote?

Those who aren't busy being born, are busy dying.

Tuesday, October 4, 2005

The Cyber Pass

Soundtrack: The Rapture / I need your love

I used to kill time at work by logging on to dodgy fucked up swinging websites.

It wasn't so much that I was entertaining the idea, though I was, but more the "secret squirrel pit of your stomach mist" that enveloped me whenever I was doing something I shouldn't.

I used to get that a lot. Because I used to do shit I shouldn't have been doing A LOT.

A lot.

So, I made a profile on Adult Match Maker and with my computer screen angled just so at work, would spend my days looking at all the strange people who were trawling cyberspace for discreet sex. Sounds like blogging doesn't it? But without the brains perhaps. And with more photos...

Anyhoo, I found a photo of someone who looked like me, but was perhaps a shade hotter and I took a photo of my penis and voila! I was a born again swinger.

It would be only a matter of days before the torrent began...

And begin it did.

All of a sudden LOTS OF NEW AND INTERESTING PEOPLE IN MY AREA WERE WANTING TO MEET ME. I was the Belle of the Ball. Or perhaps, I was the Balls with no Belle. Either or.

I was propositioned by a 56 year old woman, couples, singles, A DENTIST (MALE), groups...(not a dentist group...and that's the tooth) Liqorice all sorts came out of the woodwork to contact me, all while I was sitting innocently at my work desk, supposedly making a magazine.

In the end, the Heat started to get to me, and the thrill of the Unknown began to drive my spindly (yet elegant and sexy) fingers to reply to three different profiles.

The first reply was to a 27 year old girl, who was supposedly in an "adventurous" couple..."looking for good times". I suggested going to see a band followed by a shot of absinthe. I always have a good time doing that, but it seemed I was off the mark, SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SEX. I KNOW! CRAZY!


I arranged to meet her at The Lounge in the city. 2pm, weekday. Safe.

So I sat on the balcony and I had myself a beer or three and I smoked some chicanos until before me stood something that looked a little like this:

"mmmmm...threeway we will have"

No motherfucker. Threeway we will NOT motherfucking have.

But sometimes as I am struck by the Demon Mist Lust, I am also struck by its GHEY cousin, the Demon Nice and Polite. So I bought Yoda a beer and talked shit for a little while...

Hey Yoda. Do people really ever meet like this? Isn't it strange? I'm sure you are only doing it for the WEIRD EXPERIENCE like I am...ummm...Mummy make the bad alien faced woman go away....

"Mmmm, another beer you will have, back to mine you will come, yes....commmmme"

[in Homer Simpson voice:] EEEE!

So Matty ran away.

The second message I replied to was from a group. WE ARE ALL 18-30. BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ONLY. WE ENJOY MUTUAL MATURBATION AND ALL NIGHT ORGIES.

Well, fuck me kids, so the fuck do I. Let's rumble!

They sent me a message and told me to meet at Bimbo Deluxe on Brunswick Street. They would send one of their group, a female to "suss me out"

Cool, I said. Tomorrow it is!

That night I went on a savage four pill, two grams of speed bender, so I arrived at Bimbo Deluxe...a little....shaky....

All of a sudden I was tapped on the shoulder by a woman who looked a little like this:

"excuse me...are you Mat?"

I swear, somedays I look kinda cute. Promise. But after that many fucking drugs and no sleep...well, I turned to face her...

"Mmmmm...gangbang I am wanting!"

She was not possesed of the Demon Nice and Polite and promptly jumped into the air, knocking drinks off the bar behind her and she fled in horror...


Alas poor Gangbang...I know not you well. Perhaps I was a little harsh on my first friend.

Now the third message took me a little longer to reply to as my first two experiences were a little offputting, but her picture was cute and she wrote with a wit and she was a Cancerian who I have a soft spot for so...I wrote back.

We enjoyed a couple of weeks of flirtatious emails before moving onto MSN Messenger. I learnt she had a husband, I learnt that during the day at work is a really fun time to have incredibly filthy conversations on MSN Messenger, I learnt that each night she would tell her husband about our conversations and they would have wild and crazy sex, and while they were doing that I learnt that during or after these conversations well...if you've got to go...you've got to go. Work toilet or no work toilet.

Eventually, I invited them to a party I was having IN A PENTHOUSE SUITE IN THE CITY. It was actually a very important work party for a very important client. People would be there. Not just people, but PEOPLE. Cocksmoking corporate advertising and fashion people. Aaah, those halcyon days of publishing...


Anyhoo, a little wary, but with an adventurous spirit they accepted the invitation.

They were amongst the first to arrive. It was really nice to meet them. They were from out in the 'burbs but good people and we got along really well. Sweet!

It's just...I really wish...

It took me a couple of hours to find out. People were patting me on the back and laughing good naturedly at me. Winking at me. Chuckling and tittering behind my back.

I mean I really wish...

And I didn't really pay any attention to any of this until I was standing with the International Marketing Manager of Nike having a yarn and trying to impress him when up they came and joined the conversation and the Nike guy asked them..

"So how do you know Mat?

And of course, OF COURSE, they replied...

"Oh we met him on Adult Match Maker, you know the swinger's site?"

It was only fourteen stories down.

Didn't hurt that much.

Monday, October 3, 2005

No mean feet

I had a conversation with my friend Skye on Sunday afternoon, it went a little someting like this.

"So, I was on a train to Germany from Spain and this guy jerked off on my foot..."

"Dude! What he mean he jerked off on your foot?"

"I mean I was on the train and he just started going for it until he came and it landed on my foot"

"What...so...you just let him keep going until he came on your foot? What the fuck? Was it a packed train? Was he standing next to you? Tell me what the fuck!

"No well, I was kind of asleep, I was in a compartment and he just came in and sat next to me. Then I started to wonder...what's he doing with his hand down there..."

"AAAAH! So, you just froze? Until HE CAME ON YOUR FOOT?"

"Well Mum didn't seem to notice..."


"Well actually he was kind of aiming it at her..."


"And at the last moment...."


"I stuck my foot out to save it splurting onto her....so I was like the fucking superhero here dig?"

"Oh man...so was it a bare foot?"

"A Bear foot? WHAT? AHAHAHAHA"

"No dickwad...a BARE foot...did it land on skin?"

"Yeah, I had sandals on but it landed on my bare foot...but THEN...Get this...He stands up, walks out of the compartment...and comes back in with a tissue and says..."


"He says...Here...clean yourself up woman"


"True fucking story"

*catches train to work*

Sunday, October 2, 2005

How Soon Is Now?

Soundtrack: Dolly Parton / Those were the days

I've been deep, deep in this fucking city for fifteen years. Raping it. Drinking it in, sucking it fucking dry of everything it has to offer. I have fucked its many mistresses, suckled at its entertainment teet, uh-oh-spaghetti-oh, have I trashed this damn town...

I am not ready to stop, but...

This morning I sat outside eating eggs on Brunswick St when by chance a group of men took the table next to me and proceeded to discuss rather loudly their business dealings. Business dealings which will create yet another direct competitor to my own business. I learnt a lot. I learnt not to have a business meeting out on the street as you never know who is sitting next to you.

Anyway, there they sat discussing their new (well...relaunched) magazine and I was listening and it was all:

"Man, it's gonna have sex and drugs and alcohol and yeah...that's what people want...it's going to be EDGY MOTHERFUCKER!"

And I sipped my coffee and I lit a cigarette and my thoughts drifted to last week to when I sat in a tiny little pub in the bush and having left the lights on in my car, the owner of the pub gave me the keys to his van to drive around. Or the other pub in town where I left a packet of cigarettes after eating there, and there were only 7 cigarettes in the pack, and I didn't return to that pub for two weeks, but when I did the bartender handed me the packet of smokes, having kept them safe, knowing I'd come back.

And I've done the drugs and the fucking and the alcohol and the motherfucking edgy. I've done it HARD. And to be honest, I'll do it again, but something is starting to fade and the lure of that Honest Approach to life is getting stronger.

Fuck edgy. Edgy can suck my motherfucking cock.