Friday, November 27, 2009

Hare today.

I see Myself sitting in the morning sun on the back deck. I make two Teas and walk outside and quietly sit next to Me and I light cigarettes and I smoke them together, just sitting and watching the sky and I know I can see what I see, that I share this Imagination with Myself, and so we lean against each other as Idiotic Twins, just dreaming of The Past and The Future, wondering if This New Found Me is going to make it through this time, if this Dream can hold, if this time I can cash the Currency of Change in a bank by a river which has twisted so far back in swamped and muddied memories, that it has taken me seven years to even remember which way the water was flowing.

But I remember now.

I remember now, sitting with myself here in the sun, but behind my closed eyes it's - Run, Rabbit, run, by the stream, through the gums, over the hurdles, up the slope, you don't have to stop, you just have to cope, and this fucking time, the lessons we've learned, will help build Tomorrow into something well earned, and all you have to do, Rabbit - all you have to do, is this one thing, Rabbit. You'll find it behind The Cheek, under The Wall, inside The Cage. It's scary, Rabbit...

(no, it's not)

It's scary, Rabbit, to set it free, but we need you, to set it free, Rabbit, can you do that for us?

(I already have)

Well, see this is the thing, Rabbit, we need you to know, it's one thing to Free, but another to Flow, so Flow, Rabbit, Flow. Fly, Rabbit, Fly.  Catch that thing you set free when you were One.

Catch it and see what comes.

*******

Inside the activity starts and I lose the cigarette, and the dream fades as smoke in the morning light. When does it feel right, to Love The World, and Your Place In It? When will that day come? When is okay, to tell A Stranger you Love Them, to tell a friend that you Want It All, when is it ever okay, to understand that You Deserve Everything, because you have finally awoken to the Facts. That you always feel better, when you are allowed to Love.

Shake it out, Matty. Shake it out and let's get this started.

Ok, so -
The House makes me a Tea, and my phone starts and the Cat eyes me cheekily and I smile as the Sun knocks on the windows, and there are other thoughts too, but they are simply lonely songs, melodies to cover up - I mean it's hard to Take Over The World, when all you want to do is watch Post Coital movies...so Resist and Resume. And Don't Deviate from The Path.

I won't.

It's all already here, and it's here Today.

17 days. Maybe 18.

Who's counting.

Oh, and by the way -

I love you.

But that ain't no mind.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Dark Don't Hide it.




Something held me down and made me make a promise.

Intermission.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Now that's the way to say Goodbye.

A belly full of lasagne. My mum in a small wooden box at the end of the table, with a glass of wine beside her. Memories and tears, but more like laughter and Foreigner and Lennon and Monty Python and one bright star in the sky on a warm Spring evening which winks and shimmers the way all beautiful and true spirits do.

And Confidence now. Confidence in these days, in the way we live. Confidence in the way That Passionate Fire has been Tamed, for now, and the Happiness which has been your Muse, now that Their Muse is Old Muse.

And there's a Toast, to Mine and Yours, and all they mean - which is Pure and Unadulterated Love.

And a Toast to Us, and all we mean - Which is Inspiration, a Grin and the Next Step Forward™.

So, okay, let's finally move on.

Let's move on.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Price You Pay.



You gave me all I've ever needed:

Laughter, Love and Fuck 'em.

Some people never got it.

But I always will.

I promise.

x

Sunday, November 15, 2009

You say goodbye.

Tomorrow is the tenth anniversary of my mum's death/murder.

Tonight is the night I have to pick up the last of her belongings, which are in storage at the house of the woman I once loved, who seduced someone I thought was a best friend, and now they roll in the grass together, this once friend and once True Love.

This week is going to hurt.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Caesar.

The Poet died
when from Beside
sprang Brutal Realism
Her Nakedness
a ridged spring
a sprung neck
of Truth Marks
of Bleeding Hearts
and Faulty Fountains
which had Once
decorated,
betwixt Arched Moments,
this Grand Monument
to Salad Days or
just
Wide Eyed Sensual
and Hopeless Ambition.

(I'd Love to Say It was More
I'd Love For You To Say It Was More

than

Dust

and words.

But That's All It Is Now)

Later

Herded Tourists
trample and scuff
nudging one another
laughing and
turning their back
these seasoned
Cynical Hyenas
eager and hungry
for Lunch, Fame
or Reason
Quick and Deadly
Accurate and
Moving On
they callously
spit on The Earthen Path
which led them here
gesturing as they dribble
Logic -

the fool
His primitive tools
His Hope 
upon which

these ruins were built 
were in fact 
previous incarnations
of Foolish Fantasms

And off they trundle
wrapped in Fur
down along the
parental presents
the
peeling paint
off to finger
their own
History in the

overblown grass

as behind them
The Ghost's

wistful
whisper
caresses the memory
of His Own Past
which struggles to fly
upon
The Tattered Flag Pole
and Marks
The Story
buried beneath
his Grave Sentimentality

Yes, 

he cries, asking -


but does not
each attempt 
to build this monument

lift The Poet's
body

closer
to 
Heaven?

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Opportunity Knockers.

Conversation yesterday:

Stripper: (holding phone) Matty, would you like more strippers to come over and jump in your pool?

Matty: No, thankyou, ma'am. I'm fucking tired.

Conversation today:

Matty: Hello, Boss. yesterday the stripper asked if I wanted more strippers to come over to my pool, and I said no because I was tired and wanted to be good for work today.

Boss: I hate you. I think you're fired.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Message in a bottle.

We walked along the shore
beside the cliffs
and the faces of giants
watched as we strolled by,
their eyes birthing dusty rocks
which tumbled from the walls
and burst on the dry sand below.

Once The Ocean touched this place
I told her
and Once I thought to find you
within it.

But that was a long time ago.

I looked down at her
as she skipped beside me
her bright eyes
darting from cliff to sand
a Salty Sea
of Yellow Dust
which stretched out now
over the Horizon

further even

a golden memorial
littered with debris
dead smells
bone bleached memories
of a Past Life
destined now
to shrivel in a field
of one colour
tears.

Where did it go?
- she asked me

and stopped
we both paused
mid-stride and
imagination and maudlin
memory
conspired with
the cruel and generous sun
to send a deep blue glimmer
across the parched earth
but
that mirage
was short lived
and I
unable to drown
merely walked a few steps
and

(spat?
cried?
sighed?
hurt?
whispered?)

and
called Her
to me

c'mon, darlin'

I want you to see something

and my little angel
ran toward her father's arms
and we embraced

There
on the Ocean's Graveyard

and I pointed away from the Horizon
toward the Evergreen Forest
and said,

it doesn't matter anymore
where The Ocean went

what matters is

I found you
Somewhere Else.

And pointing toward the Forest
I whispered in her neck
Somewhere in There.


Home, she cried!
And turned to dust in my hand
That Future Love
as the Cold Green Water lapped my feet
here in The Present.

Home, I said to myself.

I turned my back on the Sea.
Climbed the cliffs.
 And headed for Home.