Wish.

I thought

when I was

young

I thought,

I'm going to be a star.

There I was

on the banks

of the Yarra River

a family barbeque

a few families anyway

tandem bikes

and plastic cups

filled with cola

and after lunch

I started shouting

at the other kids

to organise themselves

into a cast

so that I could direct

the afternoon's entertainment

some sort of panto,

impro

who knows.

I was a famous director

ten years old

flustered at the blonde

haired son of someone 

or other

who was more interested in 

the cricket bat

and wasn't paying attention

to the script.

God Damn!

I cried

forget about the bloody

bat

I need you to show

some emotion!

And

Why are you all so STUPID?

And my sigh 

was world weary

and 

held the frustrations

of a veteran Hollywood

Director

and god,

the empathy

and god

the path which 

lay before me...

That night

I lay in bed and 

let the dictionary

teach me a new word

which the blonde's

father had muttered at me

under his breath;

obnoxious.

I came to know the word well.

Time walked

slowly by.

I was going to be a star

on stage

with a hand 

bleeding from a wound

of love

suffered the night before the show

plasmatic branches

clawing down my arms

and over the guitar

and sweat and roll

and jump

yell here

forget about tone

who needs fucking tone

when 

you 

have GUT

the music had gut

but we didn't

we had the same 

as you

or him

or her

just a life

just an ordinary life

with bills

and broken hearts

and moving house

and I never spoke to him/her/them

again

I wonder how they are.

I was going to be a star.

I didn't think that

but I did

it's hard to explain

it wasn't so much a star

so much

as I just felt

so FULL

of (shit, you say, haha

haha)

so full of something

that fucking needed to be released 

and it wasn't work

and it wasn't fucking

and it wasn't running

it was something that needed

to be made

and it ate me up

ate me all up

and licked the bowl until

everything passed me by

and everyone else rode the wave

and left me straddled and cold

as the sun sank

and the sharks came out to feed

their hunger

my blind ambition

the words right there

hope which hindered my sight

a star

a star

I was 

a fucking star

guess what Jack

you'll never fucking

believe it

it's me

Mathew

and ha

fucking ha

I became a fucking star

except

it's not what I thought

you know

I didn't mean it like that

it's cold Jack

bloody cold

and I'm

billions

of light years

from anywhere

alone 

and blinking

in the dark

vicious

night.

Shit

I'm

a

star.

One little voice

burned into

humility

a wee

struggle

invisible

amongst

a billion

billion billion

other stars.

A tiny

tear

fallen

into a river.

A single

grain

of

dream

upon a 

desert

built of wishes.

A nobody

just like you.

I am a star.