I remember the first girl I ever slept with made the air smell like melting Kit Kat. We were outside in the driveway while the adults sat drinking and drowning loquacious and blind inside the house. I remember they’d left the porch light on. I remember they’d left the front door open but the screen door was closed. And I remember t’was the magic and fire of skin that hour and the sky was blushing crimson as the sun sank behind the soft haze mound of the horizon and pretended not to watch us as we clambered into the speedboat that sat on a trailer parked in the drive. Behind the house was a drive-in and we laughed and throttled our way toward the adventures beyond the fence and far away, to a fantastical forever. I don’t remember her last name, I don’t remember really, what she looked like but I remember taking off her red sweater, unwrapping her and gently pushing apart her trembling limbs and I remember how she breathed and the sound of her lips opening and the whole world turning chocolate and expectation and dizziness.

Afterwards we lay back on the front of the boat and we could see over the fence and down the hill and the earth was a mirror, stars all around, above and below and I felt different and so did she, to me.

What’s going to happen? She asked me. I remember that.

I said:

Nothing. I said nothing.

She takes the cigarette from me.
[I want her lips. I want her lips.]
You want to go to Heaven, Matty?

No. I want to stay here.

[with her lips]

You always look like you’re looking somewhere else Matty, you’re always looking somewhere else. What’s going on in there? What do you think about?

I don’t lift my head but I turn it toward her. I take my cigarette back.

[i am the universe-i swallow the world-i am the universe-i swallow the world-my lust-my seer-i am the fucking universe-this dream is you-we have forgotten the truth-i have to find it deep inside you-i swallow the fucking world-i am the universe-your skin my skin one thing we sing ring ring your call-for i am the universe-i swallow it all]

Nothing beautiful. I’m not thinking at all.

The screen door opens and the memory goes black and I am here with you under the clouds, dreams in flight and forever out of reach.